33guetta78
Me: I'm just going to rest my eyes for 5 minutes. Me: Wakes up March 13th, 2098.
"OMG I love One Direction!" Jeff, eat a snickers. You're gay when you're hungry.
Change Facebook name to "No One" . Like peoples status's
That awkward moment when you are scuba diving and see Adele rolling in the deep
I'm not saying I am batman. I am just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in the same room.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer will always walk faster.
My vocabulary = 50% swearing, 50% sarcasm.
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|^^^^^^^^^^^\||____ | The STFU Truck |||""'|""\__,_ | _____________ l||__|__|__|) ...|(@)@)"""""""**|(@)(@)**|(@)
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,___, [O.o] /)__) -"--"-
(￣(工)￣) bears are AWESOME !!!!
Me: *relaxing* Bird: *crashes into my window* Me: God is playing Angry Birds. (...) therefore... God thinks I'm a pig.
Chuck Norris swam across the Sahara desert.
How to kill a Spider: Get a tissue, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
My future family photo:
"Coke please." "Is Pepsi ok?" "Is Monopoly money ok?"
So goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight Goodnight, hope that things work out all right, yeah
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, I have Alzheimer's, hey I just met you.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
Unicorns can't fly. I can't fly. Therefore I am a unicorn.
Friends are like balloons If you stab them they die...
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
Me: "Everything is going great right now!" Life: "Hold on let me f*ck something up."
SpongeBob: “Can you hear me?” Patrick: “No, It’s too dark.”
Saying "Shut up, no one likes you" when someone tries to correct you.
"I had a dream about you." "Awwwwww." "Yeah, you died."
Hitting your hip on a corner and feeling like you've been shot.
MIRROR, U SAY I'M PRETTY, CAMERA, Y U NO AGREE?!
Shakespeare: "To be or not to be." Satre: "To do is to be." Socrates: "To be is to do." Scooby Doo: "Do be do be do."
I can't take this long distance relationship anymore... Fridge, you're coming to my room.
"I will NOT forget.... I will NOT forget...." *next day* "So.. did you bring it?" "S***iiiiiiiiiiitttttttt, I forgot."
Feeling proud of yourself when you remember all the lyrics to a really old song
You've cat to be kitten me right meow!
I often wonder how much of me shouting "F*cking GOOGLE IT!" at the telly enters my kids' dreams.
"i miss you" "Really?" "No. I'm just bored and everyone else is busy."
“Can I ask u something?” “Aren`t you already asking…”
Losing your phone is like losing your life.
#WouldntItBeCool if we had lightsabers already? It's like scientists aren't even trying...
#WouldntItBeCool if you could download food? The answer is hell yes.
Start the day with a big bowl of why the f*ck am I awake.
Imagine If Pokemon were real tho!!!
There is no "i" in "team." But there's an "i" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team", so there.
If it isn't on the first page of Google, it doesn't exist.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes.
I hate it when I'm laughing and my ass falls off....
When you cant understand what someone is saying so you just do that awkward laugh and nod your head
I like going to strangers' weddings and screaming "don't marry her, I still love you!"
"Aww someone needs a hug!" "DON'T. YOU. DARE. TOUCH. ME."
Me: Mom, Dad, I've decided to live on my own. Them: Okay, cool. Me: You're luggage is outside.
What's the difference between us and a calendar. A calendar has dates
I found a butterfly on the ground that had no wings. So, I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... It drowned.
"Dude, she just called you gay." "Oh hell no! Hold my purse!"
Jingle bells, twilight smells. Edward ran away Bella dies, Jacob cries. Star Wars all the Way
Don't ever speek again. You are essentially an oxygen stealer
Son: but dad I'm scared Dad: I DON'T CAAAAAAAAARRRRE
I don't want to sound badass or anything, but I play Wii without the wrist strap on.
You don't need a parachute to skydive... You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Make the little things count... Teach midgets math.
I'd like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
I know I just met you, and this is crazy, but get in the f*cking van.
A bull in pretty much any shop is gonna be a mess
Crocs are for people who like adding a degree of difficulty to getting laid.
There once was a dog called Jerry Who ate his food with a cherry It looked up and said You have nothing in your head Next time he ate hid food with berry
There once was a cat who had a hat He get a little fat Now the had doesn't fit And he's in the s*it Then he exploded how wierd was that
I don't know what Squidward's problem is, I would love to live next to Sponge Bob.
"What time is it?" "There's a clock right there." "Did I ask you where the clock was?"
Harry: I'm sorry for calling you an inanimate object. I was upset.
Ken: You got five grams of coke? Ray: I've got four grams on me and one gram in me which is why me heart is going like the clappers, as is I'm about to have a heart attack. So if I collapse any minute now please remember to tell the doctors…
Ken: What the f*ck are you doing, Ray? Ray: What the f*ck are 'you' doing? [Ken sticks pistol behind his back] Ken: Nothing. Ray: Oh, my God... you were gonna kill me. Ken: No, I wa - You were gonna kill yourself! Ray: Well... I'm allowed. …
Ray: I saw your midget today. Little p*ick didn't even say hello. Chloë: Well, he's on a lot of ketamine. Ray: What's that? Chloë: Um, horse tranquilizer. Ray: Horse tranquilizer? Where'd he get that? Chloë: I sold it to him. Ray: You can't…
Ray: [after Jimmy doesn't wave back to Ray] Little f*cking c*nt.
Ken: Ray, did we or did we not agree that if I let you go on your date tonight, you'd do the things I wanted to do today? Ray: We are doing the things you wanted to do today. Ken: And I would do them without you throwing a f*cking moody, li…
[first lines] Ray: After I killed him, I dropped the gun in the Thames, washed the residue off me hands in the bathroom of a Burger King, and walked home to await instructions. Shortly thereafter the instructions came through - "Get the f*c…
Ken: [standing up to leave and picking up his coat] Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf. I think I'm heading home.
Ken: [Ray walks into the bar high on cocaine] How'd your date go? Ray: My date involved two instances of extreme violence, one instance of her hand on my c*ck and my finger up her thing which lasted all too briefly - and then I was away - ,…
Policeman: [to Ray, who is trying to escape from Bruges on the train] Are you Irish? Ray: Yea. Policeman: What is your name? Ray: Er-Derek Fer... ler. Policeman: You eet the Canadian. Ray: What? Policeman: You eet the Canadian. Ray: I eat t…
Ray: Jesus, Ken, I'm trying to talk about... Ken: I know what you're trying to talk about. Ray: I killed a little boy. You keep bringing up the f*cking lollipop man.
Ray: Why didn't you wave hello to me today when I waved hello to you today? Jimmy: I was on a very strong horse tranquilizer today; Wasn't waving hello to anybody. Except... maybe to a horse. Ray: Huh? What are you talking about? Jimmy: Jus…
Ray: Back off, shorty! Jimmy: You don't know karate! [Ray karate chops Jimmy's neck] Ray: Shortarse! [Ray and ken leave]
Natalie: [Harry gets angry and is destroying the phone, his wife approach him, saying:] Harry. Harry! It's a inanimate f*cking object! Harry: [to wife] You're an inanimate f*ckin' object!
Ray: Maybe that's what hell is, the entire rest of eternity spent in f*cking Bruges.
Ray: What are they doing over there? They're filming something. They're filming midgets! Ken: Ray... [Ray runs off and watches Jimmy being instructed by the director, who Jimmy flicks off as soon as he leaves] Ken: Ray, come on. Let's go. R…
Ray: Bruges is a s*ithole. Ken: Bruges *is* not a s*ithole. Ray: Bruges *is* a s*ithole. Ken: Ray, we only just got off the f*cking train! Could we reserve judgement on Bruges until we've seen the f*cking place?
When I was little, "I'm gonna to tell your mum" Was the scariest sentence EVER!
Saving a file as "jfkginfjcdb" because you're to lazy to wright a proper title