Love Letters To No one (1)

There were so many things I wanted to say to you before I walked away. You were in your own world the last time we met. And you are, aren't you? Floating around in your own space where no one can touch you, no one can really know you.

I know it's cowardly of me to hide behind this fake name. But I don't want you to remember me, there's no need. I've learnt to accept a few truths in life, and I'd be lying if I told you they hadn't embittered me somewhat. I prefer this anonymity, I suppose I'd hoped that it would lessen the embarrassment of what I wanted to share with you. Please don't bother with worrying yourself with who I am or who I might be. I don't even know if these letters will find you. But I hope they do. And I hope that you're at a stage in life where you're content. After all, complete happiness is fleeting, but it's the contented feeling which keeps us going.

I would love to write to you again, but would you even care if I did? Would you accept what I say and control the urge to reply? Or will you be as curious as I am? There is nothing wrong with curiosity, some of our greatest inventors, scientists, and artists - they were all curious by nature. But are you one of those? If you aren't, it wouldn't bother me all that much. I've seen you for who you are, shy and lost. Still searching, it would seem, but I don't think you know what you're looking for. Do you? Never the less, it doesn't matter.

I'm writing to you not because I hope for something to come of this, but that I expect nothing will. At one time, I did want it to. Badly. I wanted you more than anything. No one else could compare. You'll probably laugh at me when you read this, and that's fine. I know what you were to me. Just a fantasy, an imagined ideal that could never exist. But I'm writing to you because I can't forget you. And I'm hoping that telling you this may help me get over you.

Because like a fool, I'm still hopelessly in to you. I can't call it love, I daren't deem it love. Hell no. But the yearning is there, every time I think of you. And I hope to God you are happy because I am truly miserable without you. Letting you go without telling you how I feel was the hardest thing I've had to do. I wish I could tell you why you mean so much to me, even though we've hardly spent much time together. If I told you why, it wouldn't be hard for you to guess - if you haven't already. You're intelligent enough to have a pretty good idea.

I hope that life will treat you well, and even if we never find each other again, I will always think of you fondly. You came into my life when I needed someone like you around to show me that men aren't all assholes. It hurts to think I never had you and never could. But I love who you were, even those things you hated about yourself, I always found beautiful.

All my love.