Queen's Speech
Every Christmas I watch the Queen's speech, it's always one of my more shameful wanks..
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Andy_Hayhurst
Wanna be stand up comedian and writer.
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Stories
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Followers
Stories by @Andy_Hayhurst (19)
Jimmy Saville
When I was 11, I was Jimmy Saville's wingman..
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Assange
After numerous requests to leave the embassy, Julian Assange was reported to scream "NO MEANS NO!".
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Cunt
I wanted to write the word "Cunt" on Opuss but can't think of a sentence to use it in..
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This Is Crazy
Last night I said to a girl, "Hey, I just met you and this is crazy, but here's my number so call me maybe?". To which she replied "Twat!"..
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London 2012
The closing ceremony would have been a lot better if it was just the Queen, walking to the middle of the stadium, armed with a megaphone and simply shouted "now fuck off!"..
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Tv Soaps
If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's episode of Emmerdale... Then you're a fucking moron!.
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My Stand Up
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YWZNEbkE7s.
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Religion
If you can get past all the nonsense. All religions share the same message, which is.... Try not to be a cunt!.
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Child Obesity
Paedophilia is on the decrease as a direct result of child obesity. Keep our children safe, keep our children fat.... No one wants to fuck a fat kid..
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Bus Strikes
Everyone is very worried that the busses won't be running during the Olympics. No one more so than Al-Qaeda..
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Jelly Bean & Pickle (Mum Knows Best)
Jelly Bean and Pickle went out to play, "Don't go too far" their mum would say.
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Premature Ejaculation
Premature ejaculation affects 95% of all men at some point in there lives..... The 5% are thinking of their mum..
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Scouts
The only thing I learnt in scouts was how to keep a secret.... and repress memories..
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Sex Education
I don't see what the problem is with teaching sex education in primary schools. I think it's a good idea, if I'd had it... I'd have been far more prepared for scouts..
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Bad Boy!
They say ladies like a bad boy. Well ladies, I've been living in my house for 4 days.... Still haven't got a tv license!.
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24 words
Oxfam
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Give a man the ability to catch his own fish and he falls asleep in the sun and gets sunstroke.... Fuck you Oxfam!... Fuck you!.
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Sexual Ability
They say you can judge someone's sexual ability by the way they dance. I don't really believe this because when I'm drunk..... I can dance for ages..
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Sick People
I've come across some sick people in my time.... and that's why I'm banned from working in hospitals..
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