Obviously
I usually point out the obvious. The rest of the time, I don't..
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Bwanadik
Bio shmi-oh.
121
Stories
25
Followers
Stories by @Bwanadik (121)
Addiction
My mate is addicted to brake fluid... He says he can stop anytime..
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Two Crows
I saw two crows in the street earlier. It looked like an attempted murder..
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Neigh Food
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here.".
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Author
I've just written a book called 'Reverse Psychology' but it's rubbish and I hope no one reads it..
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Hunger
I am so hungry I could eat a lasagne..
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Untitled
I was driving past the shops today when I saw a sign that said, 'Breakfast Here!' So I did and the car behind went straight into the back of me..
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Career
My career as a yoghurt thief is taking Shape..
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Library Joke #13
A man walks into a library and asks for a book by Shakespeare. "Which one?" asks the librarian. "William." he replies..
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Library Joke #12
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present... They are due back at the library today..
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Dunk
Have you heard the news. Viagra is now available in powder form to put in tea. It does nothing for erections but does stop your biscuit going soft..
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Snow
I can't believe how thick the snow is out there. I asked a snowman for the time and he just stared at me..
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Burger #7
I had a Tesco beef burger for lunch. It gave me the trots..
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Burgers #6
I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. Tesco, every little helps..
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Burgers #5
I selected some burgers on the Tesco website... I then clicked on "add to cart".
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Burgers #4
Tesco's veggie burgers are being tested for traces of uniquorn..
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Burgers #3
I think someone may be sending me death threats. I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow..
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Untitled
An HMV gift card isn't just for Christmas, Its for life..
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Burgers #2
Went to the fridge to check my burgers... aaaaannndddd they're off!!.
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Burgers #1
Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable..
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Word
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word..
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Untitled
A female weightlifter pays a visit to her doctor and says "I've been taking steroids and it seems I have grown a cock." "Anabolic?" asks the Doctor "No just a cock" she replies..
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Subway Bully
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches..
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Online Chat
I was chatting to this woman online earlier, she said: "So tell me, what do they call you?" "Tripod" 'I replied. "Oooh, why do they call you that, got a big one have you?" She asked.
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Superman
Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane.... What were they so excited about?.
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Untitled
I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend. Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park..
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Speed Dating
I've just got back from one of those speed dating nights. Every women I spoke to complained about the 3 minute time limit. Mostly after the first 30 seconds..
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Untitled
Apparently the Chuckle Brothers have only just finished opening their Christmas presents. The labelling was, once again, a nightmare..
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Chuckle
The Chuckle Brothers now have new careers as parking wardens. To meter you..
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Untitled
I have sex daily. I mean dyslexia..
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Job Interview
During my last job interview I was asked: "What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths.
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.com
I love the site bigbustycoons.com Those guys sure have really good bus companies..
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My X
When my wife came home last night, it was obvious that something had happened. She was visibly upset and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Xbox..
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Untitled
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ.
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Untitled
There's nothing worse than finding out a bird has shat on your coat. That's when you know a relationship is over..
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Old Age
You know you're getting old when a great shag is something you stick in your pipe..
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Untitled
How many men does it take to wallpaper a room. Two, if they're sliced thin enough..
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Untitled
Have you seen the new film about the unhappy lesbian. It's called Miserable Les..
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Intelligence?
I've got a smartphone, with a dumb battery..
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Wisdom
It's easy to be wise. Just think of something stupid to write and then don't write it..
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Library Joke #11
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suffocation. The librarian says, "Would you like a bag with that?".
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Library Joke #10
A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it..
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Library Joke #9
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on shit punchlines. The librarian directs him to the correct section..
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Library Joke #8
A man walks into a library drunk and says "Can I have a fish and chips please?" The librarian replies "Sir this is a library." The man then whispers "Can I have a fish and chips please?".
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Library Joke #7
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on tides. The librarian says, "I'm sorry sir, that's just gone out.".
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Library Joke #6
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about Indecent Exposure. "Fuck off" said the librarian "You've already taken it out.".
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Library Joke #5
A man walks into a library and says "I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology.".
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Library Joke #4
A woman walks into a library and asks for a book on childbirth. The librarian says "try over there in the C section"..
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Library Joke #3
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about homosexuals. The librarian says, "You're in luck: this one's just come out.".
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Library Joke #2
An American walks into a library and says, "I..." The librarian interrupts and says, "Sorry, the McDonald's is round the corner.".
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Library Joke #1
A man walks into a library and says, "Hello, I understand you have a new book entitled "Small Penises." The librarian replies, "I'm afraid it isn't in yet.".
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Postal
Last might I had a horrible dream that I was being chased by a UPS van. It was a logistical nightmare..
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Untitled
A G N B: That's bang out of order..
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Frank
Roses are red, My name is Frank I have tourettes, Fuck. Bollocks. Wank!.
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Untitled
I have a friend who masturbates twice whenever reading poetry. That's per verse..
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Untitled
I started writing poetry the other day: POETR That's coming along nicely..
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Arrrgh Me Hearty's
Roses are red, Violets are actually violet, I can't stick to the original poem, 'Cos I be a Pirate..
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Spell Checker
Eye halve a spelling checker It came with my pea sea, It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
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Dig
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep..
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Untitled
"Hey baby, want to come back to mine?" "Sure." "Great. Here's your helmet and pickaxe.".
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Untitled
My author friend committed suicide yesterday. I think it was because he was suffering from "writer's block", but I'm not sure. He didn't leave a note..
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Untitled
I've had enough of my wife's little games. I don't know why she has to buy the travel edition of everything..
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Untitled
My next door neighbour is very shy and reserved, even the fish in his pond are koi..
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Life
This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time..
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Thesaurus Club
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club..
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Untitled
This year my resolution is going to be 1080p..
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Happiness
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go..
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Untitled
A crestfallen Mayan walks into a bar. The Barman says , " Cheer up , it might still happen. ".
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Untitled
A fight broke out in the bar and I got hit over the head with a stool. Hiding in the toilets wasn't a good plan..
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Untitled
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster..
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Untitled
"The 24th of December is Christmas Eve." "No it's not, Adam.".
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Untitled
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected..
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Untitled
How many NRA members does it take to change a light bulb. More guns..
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Untitled
I'm trying out a new facial workout, exercising my eyebrow muscles by raising them high. You should try it too, you'll be surprised!.
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Untitled
Statistically, 50% of Canada is the letter "A"..
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Untitled
I came to this country with only a pound in my pocket. Now I'm the proud owner of a shopping trolley..
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Untitled
My kids keep on taking the piss out my Alzheimer's. Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire..
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Untitled
I want to know why firemen keep harvesting my cat tree..
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Untitled
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad..
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Untitled
"Bah Humbug" said the mint hating sheep..
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Untitled
I hate one direction fans. I need the whole room to cool down, but this useless thing only points one way..
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Untitled
I got a signet ring stuck on my finger today. Last time I do that to a baby swan..
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Untitled
I missed a Robbie Williams concert to go to a trigonometry lecture. I'm loving angles instead..
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Untitled
I stopped wearing a nappy at four. Unfortunately I shit my pants at quarter past..
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Untitled
How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a GIHBLBUTL?.
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Untitled
"What are you watching?" "Loose Women." "Who's on this week?" "They haven't stopped moaning, so I'm guessing all four of them.".
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Untitled
It's my job to organise court hearings and some bloke in a wig thought he could get in on the case by giving me a false name and back story. Never book a judge by his cover..
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Untitled
Today is Official Microphone Testing Day. 12/12/12.
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Untitled
Technically, aren't we all full of ourselves?.
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Untitled
R.I.P. Sir Patrick Moore. No more Mr. Night Sky..
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Untitled
My next door neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants..
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Untitled
When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse..
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Untitled
My girlfriend left me because I've put weight on. She even said that my thumbs were too fat. Botch..
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Untitled
The other day I was helping my Uncle Jack, off a horse. It was the day I realised the importance of grammar..
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Untitled
Grammar. The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit..
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Untitled
Why does an elephant have four feet. Six inches isn’t enough..
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Untitled
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat..
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Untitled
One-armed butlers - they can take it but they can't dish it out..
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Untitled
Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?".
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Untitled
How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb. Juan..
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