Four Months In / You

Four Months In...

I just typed the heading & already tears well about the bottom of my lower lids.
Now they spill. Keep trying my best to stay upbeat & positive. It's so hard sometimes trying to do it. Trying to keep it up, almost incessantly. Its so draining.
I think I've read four or more self help books as well as used a variety of other techniques I would have scoffed at before.
Needless to say after what happened I would have given anything a shot.
Still miss You so much. I'm happy that I get days going by without crying. That is to be thankful for; but do You know that I think about You, everyday.

Every Single Day.

I'm trying to let go & not be stuck, but it's tough. I mean I'm thrilled to have loved just once in my life. And to be able to say this next part pains Me. I've learned that nothing others do is because of Me (The Four Agreements) so I do my best to accept that into my beliefs but man, You actually broke my heart. Sometimes I wonder why it still works at all. But I've also since learned that we are stronger in the places that We are broken. So thanks for that.

I might seem angry but I'm not. I would just love You to hold me once that special way You used to. Our way.
The way we feel asleep a thousand times.
I'd love just to hold Your hands for just a couple of minutes & let You feel the quiet love I have for You flow from Me to You.
I'd love just to look at You again & not feel so hurt by You.
My eyes are stinging now; I just want to lie down & feel quiet & peaceful if only for a lil while.
That would be so so nice.

Thinking of You Bub.
Always.

I'm looking forward to meeting You again.