Beautiful Death, Ugly Life

There he lay, still, whole and so beautiful in my arms. I held him tightly as if to let go would mean the end of me and the end of my entire being. As I looked down on him, my entire future flashed before my eyes; the wedding, the children, the growing old together, the dying together... I smiled, squeezing him even tighter, never wanting to let him go and wanting that future so badly to be mine; his, OURS.

Together forever we said.

I traced my finger across his cheek, waiting for him to stir but no, he lay peaceful without a movement. My finger trailed over his eyelid, his curling eyelashes catching my touch. I leaned my head over, my flowing hair falling over his face like a veil. Pressing my lips softly against his cold ones, there was so much love between us still; it shook me and I felt something race through my entire body, every nerve and every vein tingling with an indescribable feeling.

And then without warning, the tears began to fall like monsoon rainfall on my world and the screams rattled through the cage of my soul as I felt it being ripped from my body. The pain was overwhelming, consuming me from the inside out and still I clung to him; I couldn't let go yet, I couldn't say goodbye, no, not yet.

Yet there was nothing left. He was gone. He'd left me alone in a world with no beauty without him. Still I clung tighter. He'd walked on and left me behind; cotton-like and caught in a rosebush. I clung even tighter. He'd left the Earth and left me with dreams of weddings and children and smiles and laughter; blood-spattered and broken all over the pavement. Still, I clung even tighter.

I couldn't let go. So still I sit, on that pavement, on that road, clinging tightly to nothing. Because nothing is what he became, and nothing is what I am without him.