Good Bye
Good bye.
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Eatonlynch
Hi I'm 11 and Please follow me for jokes,poems,story and quotes .(the person in the picture is my little brother)And I also like G.A.A and tennis and sometimes soccer and love reading - Daniel
359
Stories
241
Followers
Stories by @Eatonlynch (359)
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Screw love. I want to fall in CHOCOLATE.
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-- Who ever said nothing is faster than the speed of light, obviously hasn't seen how fast I switch tabs on my computer when my parents walk in..
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There's always that mysterious toothbrush in your bathroom no one in the family uses..
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Mom: there are a lot of weirdos out there. Me: Mom, I know. They're my friends....
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Dear strobe lights, Thank you for making any dance look awesome. Sincerely, people who can't dance..
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When my computer asks me if I want to save my Facebook password
10% Ehh, I'll do it next time. 10% That would be nice 80% No f*cking way.
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Lollipop Tester
Three teenage boys died and went to hell. The devil said "i will let you all go to heaven if you promise not to sleep with my daughter" they agree and go fuck her anyways.
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Texting At Night
Person 1: Hey Are you awake. Person 2: Why do people always ask that question.
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Swimming Cap
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
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Unhappy Passenger
A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers.
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My Wife Doesn't Do It Anymore
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
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Things to Do
1) Dig a hole 2)Name it 'Love' 3)watch people 'fall in love'.
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WATCH
I just walked past a sign that said "Watch for blind children". That is very cruel. What next, headphones for deaf kids. Like if you get it(No offense intended).
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I've always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT. CUT. CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
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"IM FRESHA THAN A MUTHAF*CKER!" "Grandma can you please put the Febreze down!".
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One Direction Joke (I Hate Them)
Teacher: So it's a big wave going in one direction. Me. One direction?. Teacher: Yes now Everyone-- Me: else in the room can see it Teacher: what.
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Divorce letter
Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
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Confusing, Funny Riddle
There's 500 bricks on a plane and you throw one off. How many do you have. 499... What are three steps to putting an elephant in your fridge.
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Like
Like if you think this is cool.
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Awesome Moment
That AWESOME moment is when the teacher asks a question because she thought you weren't paying attention... and you answer the question right WHAT NOW BITCH?!. .
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I'm Not Leaving
The dick head arabonee just wrote a comment saying"it was a joke!. Lol ha ha Irish wanker !" I'm sorry for all the hassle but never make a sick joke like that!.
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My Poison
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
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Bye
I'm leaving opuss because @ arabonee threaten me bye forever.
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This guy arabonee is hacking in to my account and deleting my opuss acount please help!!.
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Seriously High
Police: How high are you. Drunk guy: No officer, Its "Hi, How are you".
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Doctor Doctor Joke
Patient: Doctor Doctor. I think im goin to die in 59 seconds. Doctor: Hold on, Please wait a minute..
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My thoughts during a week of school
DAY 1 - WHOO, NO SCHOOL. DAY 2 - Yaay, I'm gonna hang out with my friends today :) DAY 3 - Okay, friends are all away...going to spend my social life on opuss.
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Awkward Moment That's Happens To Me All The Time!
Oh, I'm a few minutes late to class. Please, stare at me like I just killed five people..
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Sharing
If I have 10 chocholate cakes, And someone asks me for 1, How many chocolate cakes do I have left. Thats right, 10..
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Things to do
If you get caught masturbating say something friendly to avoid awkwardness, like; "Hey. I was just thinking of you!!" Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say, "Help.
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AGES
Late for school ------------------------------------------ age 6-Mommy,mommy i am late for school.WAAAAAA!!! age 10-oh my god I'm late for school. age 12-OH SHIT!!. Mom I'm late for school.
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Lie Detecting Robot
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours.
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Internet Love
Son: dad how was I born. Dad: well son your mom and I got together at "yahoo". We "setup" a date via "e-mail" and met in "cyber cafe".
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Tesco
So after landing my new job as a Supermarket greeter , a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....
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Hard Dirty Riddle
I start with P, I end with S. I am a part of the human body. When nervous or excited, I grow in size.
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Have You Read...?
Enjoy your homework by R.U. Joking Out for the count. By I.C.Stars Cliff - Top rescue. By Justin Time Off to the Dentist. By U.First Broken Windows.
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Darn Cat
A blonde,a brunette and redhead are escaping from jail. The readhead jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells" who's out there?" the redhead says"meow" "oh it's just a cat".
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Blonde: hey, you left your phone at my house last night, i kept texting you but you didnt reply. Me: ....
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A smart blonde joke...
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
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It's A Little Bit Different
Me: Can I have a glass of cola. Waitress: Will diet pepsi do. Me: Never mind. Can I have a glass of lemonade. Waitress: Sure *gives a glass of 7-up* Me: This is 7-up....
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"I wasn't THAT drunk" "you saw a ginger girl eating blueberries and screamed 'NO FOXFACE, NOT THE BERRIES!!!!!'".
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DADDY... IT HURTS
My parents help out with the I.S.P.C.C And a the little boy wrote this poem was victim of child abused it is a really sad poem This is so sad. I nearly cried...
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The Game...
Once, there were two sisters. They played this game in the playground where you had to keep your eyes closed no mater what and whoever opens their eyes, loses.
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Time spent in the shower
25% -- Daydreaming. 25% -- Building up courage to turn off water and step into cold air. 20% -- Turing in a circle to maintain even hot water distribution.
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You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their Facebook page . Just saying....
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Stalker
Girl: Why are you following me. Boy: My parents told me to follow my dreams... Girl: Aww. Really. Boy: Nope, I'm a stalker....
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“Everything happens for a reason.” No you just screwed up..
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When I met you, I got this tingling sensation.. Then I realized my phone was on vibrate.
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*Goes on the computer to do homework * Me: "What the- how did I end up on Facebook?".
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A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water..
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Funny Homeless Sign:
Why live in a $100k home when I can live under a three million dollar bridge?.
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Day Dreaming
(Teacher explaining notes) Girl: OMG UNLESS YOUR NAME IS GOOGLE STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!!!!.
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I Love That Feeling
I love when I wake up and on your lock screen there are dozens of notifications from opuss.
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Mom: You're so anti-social. You need to go out and have fun. You never do anything. All you do is stay in your room and sit on your laptop. Go out and hang out with friends.
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(this is not based on me) When I was a kid, we all played spin the bottle. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny.
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing. " She asked. "Hunting Flies " He responded. "Oh. Killing any. " She asked.
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Blonde:What Does ..... Mean
Blonde- what does stfu mean. Women- shut the fuck up. Blonde- wow it was just a question Blonde- what does brb mean. Women- be right back Blonde- how long will you be I want to know what it means.
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A Blondes Year
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!.
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THIS IS A TRUE STORY!!!
It was the middle if the night and I awoke out of a deep sleep. I don't know what woke me up but I wasn't tired and I had only went to bed an hour before.
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I'm Such A Rebel
Girl: Wana play a game Me: Ya sure Girl:Ok, you can only say yes or no once. Me: Ok. Girl: Wana go to the movies. Are you lying.
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When Girls Are On Their Periods
1% Ehh, it's okay. It'll be over in a week :) 99% F*CK MY FUCKING LIFE. WHY THE FUCK AM I GIRL. FUCK YOU, FUCK THIS, FUCK THAT, AND FUCK MOTHER NATURE, YOU BITCH.
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DUDE!! (300 Post!)
--------- Dude, she called you awkward. Oh hell no hold my turtle. ------- Dude, she called you short. Oh hell no lift me up. -------- Dude, she called you a thief. Oh hell no hold her purse.
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Signs That Things Aren't Going So Well
---------- You hear loud noises coming from your parent's bedroom. Your dad is on away on a business trip...
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Internet Friends
everyone: you don't have any friends. me: uh yeah I do. everyone: oh yeah. name them. me: real name or username?.
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Untitled
*mom enters room* *iPod under the covers and pretend to be asleep* Like if you've ever done this .
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*mom enters room* *iPod under the covers and pretend to be asleep* Like if you've ever done this .
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me in school
Teacher: What does the cow give us Class: Milk Teacher: What does the chicken give us Class: Eggs Teacher: What does the fat pigs give us Me: Homework.
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Its funny how your parents tell you it's their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
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My little sister's password for the Disney website is 'MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto'. When I asked her why , she said; "They told me to use 4 characters.
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Untitled
Female student: *Banging the computer mouse on the table* Male teacher: Stop banging that mouse on the table. How would you like it if I banged you on the table?... *awkward...*.
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If
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull".
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Teacher Joke
You: Teacher. Teacher: Yes. You: Can I ask you something. Teacher: Sure, go on. You: Would you punish me for something that I didn't do at all. Teacher: Of course not.
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Just Now
Just now, Someone died. Someone was born. Someone got a broken bone. Someone got a broken heart. Someone just lost everything. And someone just got it all back. Someone just lost a parent.
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Say Blue
Boy: I can make u say blue Girl: No, you can't Boy: Then answer me, what's the colour of the sky. Girl: Not saying. Boy: Ok what colour is the sun. Girl: Orange Boy: See.
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ABCDEFGHIJK
Guy- Hey baby. You are abcdefghijk Girl- what does that mean Guy- You are adorable, beautiful, cute darling, elegant, funny, gorgeous and hot Girl- awww!. But what does the ijk mean.
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Bruno mars
Bruno mars: When I'm a billionaire. Girl: Will you buy me some clothes. Bruno mars: Girl your AMAZING, just the way you are. Girl: Do u really mean that. Bruno mars: Darling I'd catch a grenade for...
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All Of Us Have :
1- Peeled the skin of a grape and eaten it 2-Tried to balance a switch between on and off 3-pored water into the cap of the bottle and drank it.
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Blonde School Joke
Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school. A: They are the only ones who erase their notebook when the teacher erases the board..
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Funny Letters Part 8
Dear K, You should be arrested. You have killed WAY too many of my conversations. Sincerely, Everyone.
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Funny Letters Part 7
Dear guests, Just because I say "make yourself at home"it does not mean for you to really do it. Sincerely, why did I make friends with pigs.
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Funny Letters Part 6
Dear "It's only funny until someone get's hurt", Your absolutely right... Sincerely, because Then it's hilarious!. -----.
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Funny letters Part 2
Dear life, When I said "could this day get any worse?", it was a rhetorical question. Sincerely, it wasn't a challenge.
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Funny Letter
Dear Rubik's Cube, Finale done. Sincerely, Colourblind.
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-Who's the boss-
Wikipedia: I know everything Google: I have everything Facebook: I know everybody Internet: Without me, you guys are nothing Electricity: Keep talking, bitches.
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Can I Go Home ?
Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can go home *Boy throws his bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that?. Boy: Me. I'm goin home.
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Milk
Guy: Say silk Girl: Silk.... Guy: Say it 5 times Girl: silk silk silk silk silk Guy: Spell silk Girl: S-i-l-k Guy: What do cows drink. Girl: Milk. HAHA YOU DIDN'T FOOL ME.
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Untitled
Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention. Student: I'm paying as little attention as I possibly can -.
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High In Fibre Killer
A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman.
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When Me And My Mom Talk:
Me: Mum, can I climb up that tree. Mum: Fine, but if you break your leg don't come running to me. Me:.....
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Random Advice
Never trust a dog to watch your food. When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Stay away from prunes.
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Fake Friends And Real Friends
FAKE FRIENDS - NEVER ASK FOR FOOD. - REAL FRIENDS - ARE THE REASONS YOU HAVE NO FOOD. - FAKE FRIENDS - NEVER SEEN YOU CRY. - REAL FRIENDS - CRY WITH YOU. - FAKE FRIENDS - KNOW A FEW THINGS ABOUT YOU.
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Types Of Writing
This. Makes. You. Read. Very. Slow.
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DONT DO IT
During the test Whispering: Hot Girl: Jake Jake: What. Hot Girl: Whats number 2. Me: Jake dont tell her, shes using you Jake: But Shes hot.
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(NEED HELP?)
If you ever need to make an essay longer: CTRL+F and search for "." Change the font size of the periods from 12 to 14.
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Accidents Happen
Kids messing about in the backs of cars Can sometimes cause accidents to happen While accidents in the backs of cars Almost always cause kids to happen.
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Two Burned Ears
A blonde walks into a doctor with two very red ears. Obviously the doctor is puzzled by this, and proceeds to ask the blonde why her ears are bright red and looking sore. "Hello ma'am.
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I Cry in Fear
I cry in fear, I scream with hate. What gave us all This ugly fate. To meet upon The battle field, Where all must fight, And none can yield. I do not want To do whats right. I want to kill.
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I.D Please
The following supposedly a true story. This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer.
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Oh My God
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.
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