Masters in smartarseness with sarcasm as major! (Follow me for the funniest quotes, beautiful poems & stories + an instant followback)
If you stand for a reason, be prepared to stand alone like a tree, And if you fall on the ground, fall like a seed that grows back to fight again.
Great, long, yellow, tasty thing. Of your praise I will sing. A treasured fruit from tropical isles. The sight of you brings on the smiles. Under the skin your flesh is white.
Oh dance; oh dance, in the dark abyss. Dance with the devil that clenches its fists. A vice Waltz with the reflection within, dance with the demon that bathes one in sin.
Boy: "Mom, is my little sister in there?" Pregnant Mom: "Yes." Boy: "Do you love her?" Mom: "Of course!" Boy: "Then why did you eat her!?".
10 out of 10 women agree that I shouldn't be in this female restroom..
Every waking moment a continual test, continually striving to offer my best. Pressure to keep ahead of the rest, trying to predict, what happens next.
You see, I can't to let go.. I can't move on.. i dont think i can, the pain's latched onto me.. And I'm far from safety, i cant hide the struggling, And now i feel like i'm just babbling..
Would I climb the highest lands.
Layers of life peeling away Question is; What remains at the end of the day. I know it is wrong Trying to hang on I could finally be free If I could only be me Question is; Who am I.
It’s time to pack away my broken past. To stop the pain from hurting me at last. Those memories, I don’t need them anymore. It’s time to lock them up behind the door.
There once was a cat who lived in a city,. He rhymed all his words to make him seem witty,. All other cats he thought of as ditty,. except for one he regarded as pretty,.
The repetitive mistakes we made, I caused you constant pain. And I still hear your voice by my window, through the rain. My blood twists inside, creeps inside my veins.
I sit down on a chair, Earphones in my ears, I press 'Play' and I begin to stare. I finally give this video a whirl. I see the black and white swirl and it begins to uncurl.
They say time heals all wounds both great and small. But I don’t think that’s the truth at all. A broken heart can never fully mend. You lose a little piece each time you lose a friend.
(A journey through the art of literature) I sit down, Relaxation spreads all over my body and interest beats the frown.
Whether ideas, appearance or speech mere book reading or art-stuff By imitation, display their weakness to you Secretly adore u, are epigone bluff So dear Copy Cat.
There’s a full moon out tonight Stars, like diamonds in the sky How they shine…. Oh, how they shine For all to see….
I almost hit a car but luckily I was able to avoid it by driving off a cliff..
I am a rat, I am a snake, I am slimy, I am scaly, I am dirty and I'm fat, I am a worm, I wriggle through the dirt, I am a bat, I bite till it hurts, I am all this and more, I am the dirt on the...
Faces lit up by computer screens, Talking bout places you’ve never been. Trying not to come across too keen, Picturing a face that you’ve never seen.
How beautiful are the mountains, Their peaks all white with snow, You can see them in their majesty, From the valleys there below.
Whenever someone says "Don't cry" I always Cry harder..
You once made a little kid cry, and then made them laugh so you wouldn't get in trouble..
Boy: My Father's Name is Laughing And My Mother's Name is Smiling. Teacher: You Must be Kidding . Boy: No, That's My Brother, I am Joking :P.
Tis' been a while since that night, In which this world began. A world so vivd, vibrant, bright, Destroyed by thine masters hand. Our love remain eternal, Though my heart may wither grey.
Hey you, Yes, you, right over there. You seem sad an blue. But they don't care. What's the matter man. Your face says: "Do what you can, But you won't fix this mess." Mess, is that what you say.
I keep a jar labelled "HIV Virus" in my jacket so when someone tries to fight me, I show it to them and throw it at their feet and run..
Pull me out this downward spiral, I’m falling away, slipping and sliding, I don’t feel like I’m in my place, The truths inside but won’t show its face.
1. Put "Out of Order" sign on a staircase. 2. Wait until someone says, "Stairs can't be out of order!" and uses them. 3. Release the bees..
The little fledgling peered tentatively over the nest, The gentle chirp of his mother urging as he puffed up his chest, Nearer and nearer teetered towards the ledge, When suddenly without warning he...
Before I went to sleep last night. I made a wish for you. I closed my eyes too tight. To make my wish come true. All night I dream of nothing else. Than your sweet smiling face.
Toaster settings: No.1: "I do nothing." No.2: "I do nothing." No.3: "I do nothing." No.4: "I SET BREAD ON FIRE!".
People always think I'm hitchhiking but I'm actually just giving drivers a thumbs up, great driving everyone..
Danger is my middle name. First name: Avoids Last name: Completely.
Someone just asked me what's the difference between karate and taekwondo and now he's inside an ambulance..
Do you know that feeling when you're fully prepared for an exam. Me neither!.
The best kinds of laughter: 1) Laughing so hard that your laugh becomes silent. 2) Feeling a 6 pack coming. 3) Tears coming out of your eyes.
Husband: "What is the height of stupidity ?" Wife: " I don't know, how tall are you ?".
Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched. Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop..
I started to question myself whether I'm a human or a bot the moment I entered the wrong captcha for three consecutive times..
I have a black eye in karate..
I am an 'outstanding' student in school. My teacher usually tells me to stand outside the class as a punishment..
Zebras are just Donkeys in prison uniform..
My daily routine: 1. Get up. 2. Be awesome. 3. Go to bed..
Me: Can I go to the bathroom. Teacher: What for. Me: TO OPEN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS. What do you f*cking think for?.
I hate it when people text me "k" because I'm rarely in the mood to ever talk about potassium...
What did the letter O say to the number 8. "Nice belt dude.".
If a person is born deaf, what language do they think in?.
My ceiling fan has three setting: - very slow - slow - I'm about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident..
Screaming STRANGER DANGER at someone then smiling, wide-eyed, with all of my teeth showing is my way of saying "hello"..
Time really flies when you throw your alarm clock out of the window..
Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy. He said sure, whats his Opuss name. We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike..
It's hard to tell who blinks first when you're staring in the mirror. I'm pretty sure it's him..
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!".
My wallet is like an onion, tears roll every time I open it..
I once went to a diner and ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first..
A dog knocked on my door today. Asked me "Got any milk?" I was shocked. Then my cat burst into laughter, howling "Holy shit. A talking dog!".
The letter "G" is just the letter "C" about to commit suicide with a gun..
Teacher: Imagine you’re in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do. Boy: Easy, stop imagining..
The reason the Japanese kill so many whales is because they look like Americans..
The only time I've ever felt so alive was two years ago when I tried to call my girlfriend using a defibrillator..
Me: Karma is a bitch and she'll bite you. Guy: Hahaha Karma doesn't exist you idiot. (He doesn't know Karma is my Pit Bull).
Friend: you came over just to stare at your phone?. Me: No you idiot. I came over because my WiFi isn't working..
There are two different kinds of pedestrians. Ones that cross quickly and ones that get stuck under my car..
I've said it before and I'll say it again, it..
$ is an S doing pole-dancing.
I wrote a diary for the first time today. It felt good. I wanted to write more but its owner walked in and caught me..
I wanted to be a part of something special. Its all I could say as security dragged me away. That's the last time I try to join the circus..
It was all good at the reunion party until I laughed too hard my gun fell out of my pocket..
When people ask me why am I so skinny, I tell them they have no idea how many mosquitoes there are in my house..
My nose is the scenter of my face..
That squirrel just committed suicide in front of my car..
I sold my soul to the devil. He just called for a refund..
I hate it when I throw my cigarette butt out of my car window and a gas station explodes..
"Daddy, I'm scared in my room alone." Honey, don't be scared, besides you're not alone because of all of the monsters in your closet..
It's hard to talk and be romantic on the phone with your girlfriend when the cops are chasing and pointing their gun at you..
My neighbor is not wearing any underwear to work today. I know because I hid all 7 of them while he was out last night..
I'm retired... I was tired yesterday, and am tired again today!.
I don't even pretend to care like I'm interested in what you're saying, I'm counting down the seconds until you shut the fuck up..
Sometimes, I want to punch words right back into some people's mouths..
If everyone could close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. :D.
I've never met a store mirror I haven't checked myself out in..
My new favourite activity is walking around at the gym eating ice cream and moaning "MMMMM!!" as loud as I can repeatedly..
Are you angry. -I'm not mad at you, I just want to let you know that I write this message with my middle finger..
I'm writing with a broken pencil. It is pointless..
I just heard a fat girl yell out "I love you like a fat kid loves cake!".. I then proceeded to ask if she was talking to cake..
If a Robot does "The Robot"... Is it still "The Robot" or just dancing?.
PIaying connect the dots on someone's face that has a lot of freckles..:D.
Woke up 5mins earlier than my alarm clock with a gun pointed at it, going on 20mins of silence now. I think it knows what's going on..
I went to a roller skating rink two weeks ago and I can still smell a hundred feet..
Dressing up as a dinosaur and going up to random peopIe and screaming "all my friends are dead!".. :D.
My mother texted me "What does IDK, LY & TTYL mean?" I answered: "I dont know, love u, talk to u later." Mother: "Ok, I'll ask your brother".
Dear some girls, your face is not a coloring book, easy with the makeup..
99% of people in this world are Stupid. Luckily I'm the other 5%..
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in..
My doctor told me I needed glasses...I told him not to worry, I drink straight out of the bottle..
Will you go out with me. (a) Yes (b) a (c) b.
I'm great at acting like I know exactly what I'm talking about when someone asks for directions & sending them to the wrong side of town!;).
My bank account was frozen. Well let me rephrase that. My sock drawer is jammed..
Me: I'd like to report a disturbance. Police Dispatcher: Okay, where sir Me: In the force, I can feel it..