Rant

I've started to block out my emotions so that I can't feel the pain anymore. I don't want to feel the way I feel now.
Unwanted.
Unloved.
Useless

I'll give you an example of this. Our form is divided into groups of people who hang out together. Our group is the smallest, with three people. This week, one of my friends has been off school sick, and I've been talking and laughing with the one who was there. As soon as my ill friend came back, however, it was like I didn't exist. I'm left to sit alone in the background until they see fit to ask me how to spell a word or something stupid like that.

That used to be my nickname. The Walking Dictionary. I hated it. I never let on, I just wanted to fit in, and if being called a stupid name was enough, I would put up with it. But now I see sense, and I know that the friends I have are not good for me. But there's no one else in our form who's willing to listen to me for long, and no one who I can put up with for too long.

My problem is that people annoy me. They either drive me insane or hurt me or lie to me. I can't deal with it anymore. So the decision has been made. As soon as I am allowed to leave school, which thanks to the new laws is July 2014, I'm moving out of this godawful town and this godawful school and I'm going to live in London. If things improve and I can stand to finish my A-levels before I drop out, I'll go to Manchester University to do the 1 year creative writing course they do there. With student fees as high as they are, I can't afford a full degree course.

And that's another thing. Thinking about the future. I can never foresee myself as having any future other than doing a boring job which I hate for the rest of my life and dying alone. That worries me. I've loved before, but never been loved back. I'm not worth the while for boys. I used to have so many friends who were boys. Now there are only two I ever see, and one of them I don't see often. I think boys are better company than girls. They don't bitch.

In the end I guess I'm just like any other normal person with worries and fears and cares. But I can't keep hold of that knowledge in my head, and it just makes me feel even weirder than I already feel. I just want to leave. I've had enough.