Pot Black
#acrostic (Pot Black) Pint of bitter if you please One for yourself, my sweet Louise Thanks..and could I have a pie.
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TheCodsPollocks
Yeah, but innit though....
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Stories
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Followers
Stories by @TheCodsPollocks (132)
Cross Your Heart
#acrostic Shh. Promise me that you won't tell Even if they scream and yell Cross your heart and hope to die. Really. Good, then so will I. Explanation overdue... The truth is... I'm in love with...
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Twinflame
#acrostic Transcendental claptrap. What a load of bull. I'm sorry, but I've had enough, I'm Nobody's fool. Forget this 'soulmate' nonsense. Let's all get one thing clear. Alpha this. Omega that?.
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Fight The Good Fight
#sundayrepost (8 months ago) Today I was the victim of an unprovoked attack But I didn't have the courage or the will to fight them back So I thought that I'd just sit there and pretend they don't...
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My Favourite Season
#acrostic (springtime) Sunshine tries to take a hold Posing for the centrefold Rustic farmland starts to sprout Images of life, no doubt Nightjars 'churring' on a branch Gonna cause an avalanche.
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Horoscope Acrostic Result
Wow. This judging lark is really hard work. How to choose a winner when each and every one has something unique to offer.
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Acrostic Update
Phew. Home at last - let the weekend begin. Okay, first thing - many thanks to @Burrfoot for choosing my entry as the winner of his acrostic challenge. I'm chuffed to bits mate - totally unexpected.
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Acrostic Challenge
I've just switched on my phone at lunchbreak (the only time I can during the day) and am amazed that I won Burrfoot's challenge.
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Let Us Prey
#acrostic Risk eternity in Hell. Evangelists frequently yell Let The Lord show you the way. I can help if you can pay. God bothering is my profession It's double time for your confession.
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Mary
#4lines4fun Mary had a little shit Then wiped her arse with wool But the silly ma'am left it on the lamb The bloody stupid fool!.
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Melancholy
#acrostic. Masquerading as a friend. Empathy is just pretend. Life has lost it's vital spark. Aimless faces in the park. Nothing matters anymore. Can't drag myself up off the floor.
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Southampton
#acrostic Shopping centres everywhere Old city walls, the market square Up the Saints. Come on you Reds.
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Rubik's Cube
Who's seen the bloke (on You Tube) solving a Rubik's cube whilst juggling it with 2 balls. Amazing!.
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Trilogy Challenge 4
What are all of these full of: Septic tanks - assholes - politicians No,no, that's too easy. I know: 6th planet from the Sun - tree trunk - Richard Starkey..
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Author Image
This is aimed mainly at newcomers - it's not a criticism , merely a request. Could you please give some indication of your gender and age.
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Universal Soldier
#sundayrepost (8 months ago) Universal Soldier I have no age or gender, No colour, clan or creed I'm the universal soldier Please call me if you need Someone to take the bullet, Someone...
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Wonders Of The Universe
I don't usually promote other apps on here but Wonders of the Universe with prof. Brian Cox is absolutely stunning. If this sort of thing floats your boat then check it out..
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The Boss's Son
#stupidthingspeoplesay Back in August '99 I was talking to someone at work about the solar eclipse that would take place the following day when the boss's son (Paul) decided to join in the...
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ABC Challenge
#myfavoriterepost ( anyone fancy having a go at this "golden oldie" challenge ?) Another beautifully calm, dreamy evening falls gracefully headlong into July.
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Bucket List
#sundayrepost Only 3 things on my list. 1. Lern how two count. 3. Lern how two spel..
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Fillintheblank Challenge
Well, Sunday evening and time to announce the winner of the "Jack Sprat" fill in the blanks challenge. Quite an easy task for me as the only entrant was Lee with "Jack Sprat Trims The Fat".
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Relativity
When I'm with you I wish we two Could move as fast as light 'Cause according to Einstein's theory Time stands still, alright?.
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Fillintheblanks Challenge
Just got in from work - what a nice surprise. I'd like to thank Sienna for presenting me with this award.
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My Feminine Side
OK, before anyone reads this I'd just like to say that I think a sense of humour is the most important thing in the world and I'm sure you ALL agree, yeah.
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Come On You Saints!
I'm gonna tell ya How its gonna be City 1 Southampton 3 !!!.
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From A Jack To A Kink
#fillintheblanks One sunny day Jack decided to have a shit.
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Over The Top
39 out of the last 47 Opusses posted (at the time of writing) have been from @Jesusfreak7. Thank God for atheism. If I wanted to be preached to I would go to church - not the pages of Opuss..
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Press-up? What's A Press-up?
You know that you're in bad shape when you wish that you looked like the "before" photo in one of those exercise adverts..
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I Have A Dream...(inspired by Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 - 1968)
I have a dream Somehow, someday That evolution throws away The "angry" gene that plagues mankind Destroys your soul, corrupts your mind And in its place an inner calm With nations walking arm in...
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Pull The Other One
I had a wet dream last night..... I would have had another one but I fell asleep..
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I Had A Hunch It Was Him...
Billy: "Hey, what's this I hear about them finding the bones of an old English king under some car-park?" Jimmy: "Yeah, that's right.
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Little Tabs Of Blue
Warning. Adult content.
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Superman
#crossover I'm a super-duper Kryptonian alien, but no need to make a fuss So long as you don't compare me to that nosy Parker radioactive spider's...
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Losing My Virginity
#best of opuss I had more fun doing this than any other. The very first time Should be something sublime But we all know that's seldom the case.
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Puppy Love
#bestofopuss I know your heart is breaking, I know you feel abused, "How could he/she Do this to me!?" You're battered, beaten, bruised.
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Another Year
It's Christmas Eve I can't believe That time has flown so fast Another year Has disappeared The future's now the past And in the morn With wrappings torn I'll sit and reminisce And shed a tear For...
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It's A Sign
Is there 2 ways of reading this or is it just me. (look at profile pic) I've changed my profile so I'll just describe the sign. EVERYTHING CLOSING MUST GO DOWN.
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Ho! Ho! Ho!
Heard on Jack FM today: I was asked, "Did you put the Christmas tree up yourself ?" I answered, "No, I put it up in the living room like everyone else !".
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Rude-olph
#weeklyopusschallenge Warning. Bad language . A Day in the Life of...... Rudolph . Yep, that's me. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer - the most famous reindeer in the world.
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The Perfect Gift
Is there anything more stressful, anything to cause more strife Than doing Christmas shopping for a present for the wife.
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Good Vibrations
I've bought myself a vibrator No. No. Not one of those. The kind you have to stand on. Not the kind that curls your toes.
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The "United" Kingdom
Warning. Contains a few naughty words. This works better if you can imagine the corresponding accents as you read each line. "Shit myself, haven't you boyo !" said the Welshman to the Jock.
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Jingle Bells
Seasonal joke.
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####
Warning. The following post contains 1 swear word. Fuck Well, I did warn you!.
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Last Christmas
#xmasparody. To the tune of George Michael's ' Last Christmas'. Last Christmas I gave you my knob. But the very next day it started to throb. This year. To save me from tears.
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Happy With My Lot.
Thick marmalade on buttered toast Fresh garden mint with the Sunday roast Battered cod from the local chippy That chocolate flake on a Mr.
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Lee's 'Grand' Total
1000 Opusses from one man. I didn't believe it possible so I hired a team of ex Newsnight investigators - people you can really trust - to, well, investigate.
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That's A Fanny Piece Of Jewellery !
I was looking in a jeweller's shop window yesterday hoping to get some idea on what to get ' She Who Must Be Obeyed ' for Christmas when I had to look twice at a certain piece.
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Jack FM
Heard on Jack FM today: I went to the doctors with a problem and he asked me to describe the symptoms. I told him that Homer was a fat yellow guy and Marge had blue hair..
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Imagine
My best buy yet at the car boot today. I am a massive Beatles fan and I still can't believe what I picked up.
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Losing My Virginity
Warning!. Sixteen + The very first time Should be something sublime But we all know that's seldom the case.
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For God's Sake!
Another little reason why I find many main-line religions abhorrent.
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E =mc bored
I've been reading a book about Einstein's theory of relativity which states (among other things) that the faster something moves, the slower time passes.
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What To Do?
Ok then. You're driving a red sports car at a constant speed.
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LOSS
#emotion #Loss You stipulate the challenge should be 12 lines or less Well, I should bloody hope so coz my team is in a mess I'm hoping that this nightmare is gonna end at 4 Coz I tell you bruv I've...
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I Wish.
I wish I was a seagull Flying in the sky And if you stare To see who's there I'll shit right in your eye I wish I was a mongrel A vicious little mutt And if perchance You give a glance I'll bite...
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1 Minute Poetry
My wife said,"What's the matter?" I said,"Oh, it's this stupid poem.
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Pure As The Driven ... Slush
Another day is ending and my heart is all a-glow As my halo casts a shadow on the riff-raff down below I lie here in my smugness sweetly contemplating how The Lord has made me righteous - far more...
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Booty
I love going to the car boot every Sunday - not just for the bargains but for the banter also. Last week I was at a stall with a young lad to my right and a 'grumpy old man' type to my left.
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Dream A Little Dream.
Have you ever had one of those dreams that make no sense whatsoever . I had one last night about a bloke who was an automobile sprayer whose girlfriend turned into a giant spoon .
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What A Hoot.
Strange the things you see at a car boot sale. Today I met Billy the european eagle owl who starred in the Harry Potter films. He's 18 years old and bloody huge!.
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Out Of Town
Up there the Sun is a big yellow duster Polishing the blue, blue sky With white fluffy clouds in a cluster Hanging on a breeze to dry Trees everywhere With blossoms in their hair And Mother Nature...
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21 Aces.
Have you ever played 21 aces. It's a drinking game we used to play in the Army ( in Germany) with poker dice and It's best played with at least 4 people.
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I Could Have Won Gold.
I'm loving Team GB's success in the Olympics but I watch it with a tinge of regret. I failed to qualify in the GB Olympic trials when the string broke on my conker..
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Singing The Blues
I used to think I was getting old when I could hardly recognise any of the artistes on the latest "Now That's What I Call Music" compilation.
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The Three Musketeers
I have a little story Of a friendship quite divine Three dedicated colleagues All working on the line There's Bob (a gentle giant) Mark (the smartest of the three) And making up the numbers An Eddie...
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Water
#household Water, water everywhere But not a drop to drink That's 'cause a foreign object's Blocking up the sink.
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Gold
#household Hey, lassie, you looking for gold. You'll do anything, so I'm told If you're looking for gilt Put your hand up ma kilt. "Sod off!" she said "You're too f ***ing old!".
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Equality Of The Sexes
A dog is man's best friend. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Enough said..
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Summertime?
Apologies to George Gershwin . Bummertime And the living is breezy The fish are drowning And the cotton has died Your daddy's wet And your mamma is freezing So slush little baby Don't you cry.
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Georgina
I'm a man. I don't do romantic.
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My Drive To Work
Ten past four I'm running late . Close the door Unlatch the gate Morning breeze Run to the car Bloody keys?!!. Oh, there you are.
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Saucy !
Warning . A teeny weeny bit rude. A couple of young sweethearts alone in the house...only been going out for a week. He has a handful of her tit and they are both breathing heavy.
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Meerkat
Is it just me or do those f**king meerkat ads piss off anyone else?.
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Mug
The kettle whistles out it's tune As Jimmy thinks " Oh, what a goon . I thought I'd met the perfect mate " ( She moved in after just one date .
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Kenna
There is a young girl from across the sea, A beautiful girl from Tennessee As a story teller she excels Until one day her life derails A victim of the vicious C But she carries on with dignity And...
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5 Out Of 5.
I opened the main door of my Flat this morning only to be faced with dark skies and a steady rainfall - bloody awful weather.I stood there for a moment trying to decide wether to take the pathway or...
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Battle Of The Sexes
Woman will NEVER be mans equal until : She can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer belly and STILL think she's sexy..
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Nicknames
Most people have a nickname Though some are rather odd There's Grunge, the Moose and Stumpy Awe.
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Spoonerism
I think I invented some new kind of 'task force' today when I asked my workmate if he'd seen my "cuffee cop". .
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ABC Challenge
Another beautifully calm, dreamy evening falls gracefully headlong into July. Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. "Nearly over," pondered Quentin reflectively, "So tired..." Ultimate voyage waiting... Xanadu....
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What's The Odds?
Did you know that the odds of 4 players each being dealt a complete suit, from Ace to King, from a shuffled pack of cards is 53,644,737,765,488,792,839,237,440,000 to 1.
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#Pure Poetry
Here's a challenge then: Let's see what 4 line poems you can come up with using only the top line of the keyboard. QWERTYUIOP The fact that you can make "Pure Poetry" should be an inspiration.
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Time Machine
I have a Time Machine in my house. Well, a sort of Time Machine. It's the bathroom and it has the ability to turn "just a few minutes" into about a hour and a half. Only works for women though..
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The Past
I read somewhere, some time ago "the past's a foreign land" But I was young and innocent, Just didn't understand.
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Filthy but Funny
I read this poem for the first time this morning and I nearly laughed my pollocks off. It's the first poem of 23 in the book "Filthy but Funny" by Lesley Michaels. Check her out.
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Childhood Poem
Isn't it strange how words from more than 50 years ago can just pop into your head for no apparent reason: Ten men went to mow, Went to mow a meadow, Ten men Nine men Eight men Seven men Six...
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#songcontest
We're Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band We hope you will enjoy the sh.... OK, so it's not strictly mine...I just thought I might be able to slip it in there... ©The Beatles..
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Puppy Love
I know your heart is breaking, I know you feel confused, "How could he/she do this to me!?" You're battered, beaten, bruised.
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Wonders Of The Universe. Part 1.
Why am I so bloody gorgeous ?.
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Out Of The Mouths Of Babes
My niece tried on a new dress and asked her 5 yr. old daughter what she thought. The girl (Ella) sighed, shook her head and said, " You look hideous mother.".
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Hairy Mary
Hairy Mary Quite contrary How does your garden grow. With things that smell And not much else 'Cept little graves all in a row. #darknursery.
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Vimto
I won't drink Vimto. There's no way I'm gonna drink anything that's an anagram of vomit..
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What's In A Name
Some people can be really cruel when naming their children. I knew a lad whose surname was House and he named his son Maxwell!.
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Made Me Laugh
Saw this on a van on the way home today.. A. Bucket and Son. And his trade. A plumber!.
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Fantasy Football
A less than serious look at 'the beautiful game'.
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Angle Of The Dangle
Imagine what would happen if our planet lost its tilt That twenty three Point one degree Which Mother Nature built No Summer, Autumn, Winter, A world without its Spring Where every day Would be the...
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The End.
This is my first attempt at a short story, so don't laugh...but please feel free to criticise with honesty. I've written it in 3 short chapters rather than in separate posts. Chapter 1.
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Surprise ! Surprise !
What a wonderful person my wife is. I love her to bits. I knew she was planning a big surprise for my birthday and she's just told me what it is.
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#tshirt
Ordinary People Undertaking Something Special #tshirt.
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