14.My Life

Warning this Opuss contains frivolous language, and I'm not bothering to make a clean version.

Mature Audiances

Hello again, and today is early in the morning of Saturday, September 29, 2012. Today I want to be more serious than I normally am. I'd like to talk about the insignificantly small amount of time that I've spent on this Earth, and how I, myself, have experianced it.
The first few years of my life, say, up untill I was about six or seven, were pure bliss. The amount of things on my horizon was endless, the sky was never a limit to me. I could fly up and touch the moon if I wanted to. At that time, you would neaely never catch me even frowning. I was always happy.
Then in the next few years I learned about words like failure, dissapointment, and other concepts like social irregularity. That struck a blow to me, albeit a small blow, but still a blow. I realized that not all things were perfect and that things were bad, were wrong, were undesirable, were punishable, and that I could, and did some of those things.
Around eight or nine I had a larger bomb dropped on me. Not the concept of death, but still quite bad. I learned about the legal system, psychiatrists, and my parents. I learned to hate and detest psychiatrists from my experiance with one that was from the courts. Now I have little respect for those with that career, for that man had the most acrid personality; almost that of a troll under the brige, monotonously repeating a question, hoping, praying that I'd give a different answer than my true one. I learned that the legal system was a bitch, but everyone does at one point or another, so that's nearly compulsory. Last of all I learned that my parents were at each others's throats using the court as a weapon. I realized that my naïve notion of an idealized situation with my mom and dad living together, being one happy family, which at that point just dissolved into a hope that my parents could just be one, even if they bickered, just to be one would overwhelm me with joy, I realized; that thought was complete bullcrap and that a miracle and a half would need to happen to have even the slightest chance of that happening.
From then untill now has been a steady decline in knowing. I don't know which of my parents to trust. Each of their reasons why they tell the truth is circular; they tell no lies because they tell no lies because they tell no lies. And so on. I feel confused, and know for sure that this is why I'm shy in public. Because my parents are both quite the type a personality, both blocking out me in the middle of thier fighting, even if it was at the courts. And when they weren't in the courts they were bad mouthing each other, and handing me back and forth during visitations. During that time I played three roles: the scapegoat, the messenger, and the criminal. I was the bearer of news, good and bad, truth and lies. I was the criminal, interrogated thoroughly for my messages. And I was the scapegoat, blamed for screw-ups they didn't forsee and don't have the balls to admit to. This is why I find myself engrossed in school, in books, in the internet. These are all simplifications of life, and ways that I can distance myself from the stressors of my own. Ways to immerse myself, and even for just a little bit, recapture the limitless bliss of my early childhood, even if seconds later its replaced by harsh reality.
Now if you're older with bigger issues, then I probably just sound like a whiny kid to you, and you'll probably use the line: "I know how it is" but I never say that because you don't just need the information about a problem. You also need the context, and to be as foolish as to think that you could empathize that well with someone is highly implausible. Unless you know everything about that person.
Thank you if you've read this far, and listened. If you have please tell me your story, it doesn't even need to be eventful, I'll still listen to you tell your life story; The closest thing we currently have to sharing our soul with others.

As always,

ZenMercury,
Keep calm, and no worries.