For The Record

I don't like writing much. It's ironic, as I place a strong emphasis on grammar and words of three or more syllables. I guess it makes sense too, in a way, as my focus on structure and correctness takes so much time that I have none left for little details like creativity and emotion.

In fact, I am pretty sure I have never written anything creative or emotional in my entire life. It's not like I am complaining about that, though. The reward for creativity (with regard to writing) is nonexistent in my personal life and my career; and, frankly, emotion annoys me unreasonably much.

Other people's emotions don't bother me, save for most Facebook updates I read, but I find my own emotions utterly pointless. Oh, I'm having a bad day? There are others that wish they could trade problems with me. My life is going nowhere? At least I have a life.

Positive emotions are, of course, different. I rather enjoy them, but I make it a point not to talk about them. There are reasons for this, and most are due to an over-tuned social compass that I follow (more on that later). For instance, talking about accomplishments would be considered bragging; which, aside from being a turn-off for most, makes some feel inadequate while inviting others to point out that what I've done has been done by many others. Talking about the joys of marriage and parenthood, and both are joys for the sake of this argument, only serve to make those that have neither of those, again assuming that they are good things, feel alone or alienated. No, I find it much more satisfying to keep quiet about the good things in my life.

I mentioned a social compass earlier, and I may as well elaborate on that now. I like humanity. This does not mean that I like people, as I prefer solitude to social situations and I dislike a good number of the people I meet (to my credit, everyone gets a fair chance and I do not judge before I have enough information). But I do like the human race, and I like seeing it succeed and advance. For that reason, I tend to make choices that I feel benefit society in some way. I do not flatter myself enough to presume that I can change the world in any major way, but I am content with working in small scales. I try to be universally open-minded and willing to learn from others. Lending support to those who need it is, in my eyes, one of the most rewarding actions a person can make. And one day, if I am lucky enough to find myself in the situation, I would like to be directly responsible for saving someone's life. I could die in the process and be perfectly at peace with myself.

The discrepancies are not lost on me, I assure you. For someone who avoids emotion like it will give him HIV, it is strange that I would care about the emotions of others.

No, that was not exposition for a long-winded answer. My guess is just as good as yours. I am content enough with "It's how I am", and my desire for introspection stops there.

Speaking of introspection, I avoid that too. I do not know why, as that would require introspection. I am aware that this implies an unstable state of emotions being held back by a thick shell, but I am also aware that it would probably be a bad idea to crack that shell.

And with that, I have run out of things to talk about. And, amazingly, you have actually read through all of this. You either have a lot of free time right now, or I am actually some kind of fascinating person. If it is the former, then I am flattered that, of all the things you could have done with your time, you chose to spend it reading the textual version of my brain. If it is the latter, then I am flattered that you find me fascinating, though I assure I am quite boring to be around.

Take care,
A.J.