Things People Will Never Say

@Andy_Hayhurst

This Is Crazy

Last night I said to a girl, "Hey, I just met you and this is crazy, but here's my number so call me maybe?". To which she replied "Twat!"..

@ceaz

Saran Wrap

A guy walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but Saran wrap. Doctor takes one look a him and tells him- " I can clearly see you're nuts)..

@Lushee

On Airport Pickup Duties

"My flight lands at nine-thirty on Sunday .... You want to watch what. What the fuck is mad men . I'm a mad man if you don't pick me the hell up.".

@Lushee

On Getting Rescued By A lifeguard At The Beach

Lifeguard : "what were you doing that far out. You can't swim. ...Son you're a good athlete, but I'v seen what you call swimming.It looks like a slow kid on his knees trying so smash ants.".

@helo

Beer Library

A man walks into a library and asks the lady behind the desk loudly' CAN I HAVE 3 BOTTLES OF BEER PLEASE' The lady replies sorry sir this a library.

@kidnapthesandyclaws

Well I'm Not Good With Titles xD

Two boys and a pregnant lady are at a bus stop. One of the boys asks the lady: what are you expecting. lady replies: a bus The boy turns his friend and says: holy shit dude, she fucked a transformer.

@Andy_Hayhurst

Assange

After numerous requests to leave the embassy, Julian Assange was reported to scream "NO MEANS NO!".

@albisher

Question: What do you call a gay dinosaur. Answer: Mega-sore-ass..