2 July 2012

Why is it that when people are depressed the people around them always try to cheer them up? They always say useless stuff like look on the bright side or my personal favourite "It will all look different in the morning". Well in my personal experience, everything looks the same the next day as it did the day before. To be honest nothing anyone could say would make anything feel better again. The only thing that can help me now is possible time. Even that may not be enough. I am not complaining I have made peace with my life, as drab and empty as it is, I have made peace with it. I live my life day after day following the same mindless routine in and out every single day. Nothing changes. Nothing happens. Nothing, that is what my life has now become, a cold, dark empty nothing. There's no one left, so I doubt that if anything happens that anyone would care or even notice. I am drowning in the hallow existence that is my life. Not that you could even call it a life. Ever since "the event”, my life seemed to end. My life is now just an empty existence, remove me and nothing would change. No-body would even bat an eyelid. No one, that is what i am, no one. Just a blip on the radar that is the human existence. My life is like the unwanted dot at the end of a paragraph, a mistake.

That is what my father always said to me growing up. I would be so happy when he came to visit my mother. I would hear his car coming up the road I would run out the front hoping to be the first one for a hug. Hoping that this time was the time, that he accepts me, but every time it was the same thing. He would get out of the car I would go running up to him "Daddy, daddy" I would say. He would walk straight past me to my mother. He would kiss my mother then send her inside telling her that he would bring me inside. He would then walk up to me, bend down so he could look into my eyes. His eyes were empty black pits. He would say, "You are not to speak to me again" he then would always grab my arm. "You were a mistake" He squeezed my arm tighter, until it hurt. "Your mother should have gotten rid of you like i told her to". By now, he would be squeezing my arm so tight that tears begin to form in my eyes. "I will never be your daddy. You are nothing to me" with that, he stood. I reached out to grab his hand to walk back into the house, just as i touched his hand; he whirled around and slapped me across the face. I stumble and fell to the ground under the weight of his assault. He looked at me; the look in his eyes was pure unfiltered hatred. "Do NOT ever touch me again" the sound of his voice chilled me to the bone. He turned and walked into the house, from that moment on my house was never safe again.

My mother detested me just as much as my father. Only she never said it to me. Not in so many words, but i could always see it there in her eyes every time she looked at me. Mother saw me as the thing that ruined her life. Before my mother had me, she was a model. She was not just a model she was 'the' model, the best. She modelled everywhere, Paris, Milan, London and New York. For her the world was in the palm of her hands. My mother was 19 when she met my father, they married when she was 21. Their life was perfect or so they said.

After my father moved back in with my mother and me, they had another three children, a set of male twins three years younger than me and a sister 4 years younger than me.

I had contemplated running away from home, but with both my parents being only children and all my grandparents gone, i had nowhere else to go. I was completely alone in the world; even my siblings wanted nothing to do with me. Everybody my mother, brothers and my sister all followed my father's leas and dismissed me.

At a young age, i realized that it was a waste of time wishing for things to be different. It took me a long time but eventually I came to terms with what my life would be like.

Beez~Death Of A Happy Life~ • Opuss № I