9 December 2011
Enormous Growth of Male Enhancement Market Shows No Signs of Dwindling
By Anton Dre II
NEW YORK (AJ) -- The male enhancement category of personal care products has been setting records of late and shows no signs of slowing down. "The recent stamina of the male enhancement market is astounding, and I can't tell you how happy that makes me," said Professor Gina A. V. Louis, who, despite being dyslexic, overcame her early struggles with education by graduating in the top 10% of her high school class and then going on to Cum Loudly at Beaver College in Pennsylvania, with her whole family there to watch her spectacular finish.
Seen as having had to overcome certain hurdles in the minds of consumers, the male enhancement category had initially seen marked resistance among consumers as it struggled to gain market traction. But with the government stimulus package in full effect, the male enhancement segment has fully outgrown this initial phase, in which it had difficulty penetrating the market due to soft sales, and has gone from a semi-profitable niche segment to a full-on, solid contender in the increasingly competitive global men's products landscape. Industry insiders are happy to point out this turn of events, gloating that the industry's dry spell has officially ended and the segment has been on somewhat of a lucky streak lately.
Already a huge market, the male enhancement industry seems poised for even larger growth. Said Richard S. Tiff, General Manager and Branch President of writing implement-turned-male enhancement company Penis Mightier Than a Sword, Inc. (blame an unfortunate typo in their trademark filing): "I thought we were doomed to embarrassment forever due to our less than desirable performance until recently. However, for the last two quarters we've seen record growth and we don't anticipate finishing anytime soon."
Added Don Gofstiel of Johnson & Johnson, makers of the popular KY Jelly line of personal lubricants as well as the considerably less successful LY and MY Strawberry Jam products: "Our sales have exploded so violently and our bi-weekly projections have been so buoyant lately that all of us here at Johnson & Johnson have had our collective spirits lifted. To say our outlook is rosy would be an understatement. Our customers are indefatigable and we will continue to provide them with the best service we know how to for as long as we possibly can." In fact, Johnson & Johnson has seen such incredible success recently that it is currently in late-stage negotiations to bring a third Johnson on board just to cope with the load.
However, as cock-sure as Mr. Tiff and Mr. Gofstiel are, experts say there could be a downside to this vigorous market expansion. Analysts warn that if these companies see four or more quarters of sustained upturn, it could indicate an impending market failure, and they should seek the counsel of an economist immediately.
Interestingly, the multi-billion dollar feminine care industry doesn't suffer from this same concern, as companies in that segment historically have easily had multiple consecutive quarters of stimulation without any periods of stagnation in between, seemingly impervious to the boom-and-bust cycles that plague its counterparts. However, the feminine care industry does suffer from frequent and regular short periods of stagnation, which often cause tensions to be high within the companies. We sought further insight into this anomaly from someone in the feminine care industry, however, Maxine E. Padds from Tampax, Inc. could not comment on this story by press time. While we were preparing this story Ms. Padds was on her monthly three-to-seven day vacation that Tampax gives as downtime to all of its employees. When pressured for a comment regardless, Ms. Padds reiterated simply, "No comment. Period."
Experts also are uncertain the effect that recent trends toward self-gratification among the male audience will have on the male enhancement market. Anonymous sources have informed us that several key figures within the industry secretly fear a sudden precipitous drop in sales due to this trend, but they have no way of anticipating when or if it will occur. One source notes, however, that if the market does begin to show signs of mass abating, the industry is prepared to roll out products to meet this new trend as well.
Investors understandably are excited to hop on board this bull market while it's hot, but it's important to remember that you can only ride a bull for so long before it busts. According to experts, it is not a matter of if, but when, the male enhancement bubble will burst. The extent of the correction that will ensue is unknown; however, one thing can safely be said: Investors will want to steer clear of its path when the bust finally does come. Because when it comes to the male enhancement market, as big and as great as the boom is while it lasts, the bust is always bigger and causes a much stickier mess.
But hey, what do we know? While we hold our assets in our junk bonds, you could already be cleaning up.
Addendum: Since publication of this article, the stocks of Johnson & Johnson, Inc. and Penis Mightier Than a Sword, Inc. have seen continued upward movement. The two stocks are currently in after hours trading and are still going strong.
© 2010 Associated Jest
Enormous Growth of Male Enhancement Market Shows No Signs of Dwindling • Opuss № I