19 February 2013
***
“HELLO?! HEL-LOOOO?! Seriously, you would have thought that she’d have remembered to put her hearing aids in.”
“Um…”
“What?”
“Is it just me, or are your eyes meant to be closed when you're asleep?”
“Oh God. You know, I've never really thought about it. It could be, but then again, thinking about it, the other way around seems like it would work too… Why do you ask?”
“Um...”
“What?”
“POTATO!”
The woman opened her eyes, blinked, blinked again, blinked again, and then rubbed her eyes just in case the parrot appeared again. Surely it was all just a dream, caused by lack of oxygen? Well, with heels that high, it’s unlikely you'd find any in the atmosphere around you. She sat up, suddenly aware of a weight pressing on her stomach.
There, sitting on her stomach, was a large flurry rodent, dyed the colour of a pumpkin that’s eaten way too many carrots. It was wearing a floral purple waistcoat and bow tie, both of which clashed terribly with its fur, and in its left ear, a small gold ring took pride of place. It also appeared to be wearing a fake black moustache which was too far big for its snout. Of course, the woman didn’t notice any of that at the time.
Her train of thought went more like this:
“Hey! That looks like a mouse. A very large ginger mouse… Ha, it looks really funny. Is that a caterpillar on its nose? Wait a minute! Why on earth is there an overly large rodent sitting to me?! Oh My God!!! “
And, cue hysterical shrieking.
The mouse seemed quite distraught at the woman’s outburst. So distraught, that it immediately burst into tears and took off down the corridor in a fit of hysterical sobbing.
“Oh, now look what you’ve done. Two years of counselling that took. Two whole freaking years to cure her fear of deranged women, and then you just go and blow it all out of the water. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”
From somewhere behind the woman, emerged a young girl. How she managed to fit behind the woman was unclear at the time, but upon inspecting the room, it became apparent that it was sorcery, and the matter was taken no further. She had large doe-like eyes, which gave her an innocent appearance, and the power to get whatever she wanted though the magic of sheer cuteness. Her whole face was rather doe-like, and her stance certainly matched that of a flighty deer. Freckles were scattered across her cheeks, and if you used a felt tip pen to join them up, you would see that they formed a picture of a rabid squirrel eating the Queen’s nose.
“Well?”
Hands on her hips, with feet positioned to run; it looked as though her whole body was involved in a big argument. The southern half of her seemed to want to run and get away, and was shaking ever so slightly in fear, but from the waist up, her body was determined to stay and interrogate the woman. All in all, it was an interesting sight, even more so when she started shouting at her feet to stay put.
The woman took this as an opportunity to get far, far away from her.
Scared for her sanity was definitely an understatement. The woman was petrified, and was considering going to sit in a corner and rocking gently whilst muttering to herself. As far as she knew madness wasn’t catching, but just to be on the safe side she put on her face mask and rubber gloves. You can never be too careful. Rounding the corner, she spotted a conveniently labelled room and decided to try her luck there.
‘The room in which Mrs Mittlewaite resides doing officey stuff from 8 AM to 5 PM’ was unsurprisingly where Mrs Mittlewaite currently was, typing up some child’s report, and eating custard creams.
The woman didn’t knock on the door, just in case it came to life and ate her. Instead she opened it straight away, and burst into the room screaming “Don’t kill me, I’m innocent!”
Mrs Mittlewaite smiled. “Come and sit down dear, I've been expecting you.”
Mouse. Part Three. • Opuss № I