3 July 2012
I can't take credit for this.. But it's so funny I thought you'd like it too....
"as he approached with his pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola Vest, his smile told me that it was Benefit day, and I knew my velour track suit would be hanging from the lampshade tonight. It was Dwayne's birthday, and I was preparing his favorite tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me anyway he wanted tonight. His favorite position is what he calls "The Dogs of War"... Where he takes me from behind and plays "Call of Duty" at the same time. Our 6 week anniversary was approaching, this was the longest relationship I'd had without getting pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange.
As I rubbed his whiter than white back, I imagined that every mole I felt was spelling out in Braille " I love you!"
I stood in the queue in the Job Centre thinking of reasons why I couldn't work, when a sweet smell drafted past my pig like nostrils... It was a mixture of weed, B.O, and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne.
Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind Iceland. He had tied up his staffy to block the alleyway so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but that only added to the mystery. I knew it was love and life would never be the same.
My Mum had told me to leave Dwayne many times due to the violence, but I knew he loved me.. He always took his rings off before he hit me!
Tonight though, he was in a foul mood! I'd fucked up his tea after failing to defrost his prawn ring, which I'd stolen from Farm Foods. He picked up the power lead from my kids Mega drive, and whipped it across my doughy arse. It stung, but I liked it! I shouted "Again!! Again!!"... So he carried on.. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million Pieces. As I looked back I saw his Weetabix toothed smile... He even had a semi on, which was rare.... As the crack usually played havoc with his erections...
50 Shades Of Chav • Opuss № I