2 October 2012
I clasp Bri's hand tightly as we go. My voice is already shaking as we walk out of the gym and into the hall. "I'm going to cry either way: if I move up I'll cry from joy; if I don't I'll cry because I'm so sad," I get out. "I'm so nervous," Bri says. "Me too," I respond. I am nervous, but deep down in my heart I feel I already know the results. "I hope I move up. I can't stand the humiliation of being in level four again. I've been level four WAY too long." Bri admits she feels the same. Lucky for her, she hasn't been level four as long as me. As we turn down the hall leading into the lobby, we see Scott standing by the door with his hands full of papers and we hurry towards him. The link our hands made breaks. We stand by Scott and Bri asks, "Can we have them now?" "Put on your jackets first," Scott says to us. "Why?" asks Bri. "Because it's cold outside," Scott answers. Most likely he just doesn't want people tumbling head over heels to get their results, then either screaming out of happiness or having a breakdown right there in the lobby. He wants us to be somewhat assembled before he hands them to us. We quickly put our jackets on, and Scott tells Bri, "Don't open it until you get in the car." He hands her her paper. "Oh, I want to open it right now!" Bri gushes excitedly. "I don't want to see you open that til you get in the car!" Scott reiterates. He thumbs through the papers and hands me one with my name scribbled on it in pen. I take it and follow Bri out the door. She makes a beeline for her car, which is parked at the end of the walkway with her mom waiting inside. I walk on in the direction of the far end of the parking lot, where I know my mom will be. I stop and turn towards her car, where she sits with the light on. I give her a thumbs up and make a inquisitive face, and she turns to me through the window and nods excitedly! I smile widely and give her another, more excited thumbs up. She made it. I walk on the rest of the way to my car, praying the whole way for the one desire of my heart and following Scott's instructions, not opening the paper. I slide into the car, and my brother starts talking. A few seconds later, I chime in, "I have the-" and my brother stops as I interrupt him. My mom says, "He was talking first." So I let him finish and decide to open it now. The first thing I see are the words, "You have come so far!" scribbled in pen at the bottom. At first I think it's an impressed congratulations. Then I think it might be more of an exclamation of both pride and disappointment, like, "Aw! You were so close!" I am just starting to bet on the latter when my eyes glance to the top of the page. I see the beginning of the more official, typed writing, right underneath "GYMNAST EVALUATIONS FOR Moriah Jurist":
"Has not moved to level 5." The words are like a knife piercing me in the heart. Shock anger and pain. I bite my sleeve to keep myself quiet. My brother finishes talking. "Now Moriah, what was it you wanted to say?" my mom asks. "Nothing, it's not a big deal," I respond, giving my best effort to keep my voice sounding normal and nonchalant. As soon as I'm done speaking my throat goes back to constricting and I'm starting to gasp quietly once again. "Well your brother was talking. You have to wait your turn. It's not like you won't get your chance. What were you going to say?" I take a few breaths before speaking to get control of my voice. "Nothing! I'm not mad, it's just not important." I'm trying to control my voice again, except this time I have less of a handle on it. "How did you do on vault?" my mom asks. "We didn't vault." "Then how can they assess you?" "He's already seen our vaults, I guess that's good enough." "Oh. Did you make it?" I pause to swallow and breathe before shakily getting out the word: "No." My mom drills me another question but I don't remember what it is. "Just leave me alone, ok?!" I snap and relax my grip on my emotions a little more as my sobs start to take over. "Don't talk to her, it'll just make it worse," my brother throws in. And then all is silent in the car, except for the radio and my quickly coming, louder sobs. I am no longer in control of my breathing and I heave loud erratic breaths. I haven't cried like this, where I can't control my breath, for a long time.
Failure • Opuss № I