17 November 2012
Some people think about what it will be like, "having sex" with the person they get married to. I think about just lying there, literally sleeping together and being held by them tenderly and lovingly, with emotion. It makes me want to cry sometimes, the sheer beauty of it. The song "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol comes to mind. "If I lay here... If I just lay here... would you lie with me and just forget the world?"
I want to marry a man with emotions. Who cries in front of me and isn't afraid to. So that he can understand me and my sensitivity better. So that we can actually get each other. Cry together.
He'll be there to hold me and comfort me when I cry after watching The Lord of the Rings. (And during all the moments throughout it that have me bawling my eyes out.) Closeness, a tender kiss. No words spoken. Just the emotion of it, and the knowledge that we are close together and secure.
When I think about the "sex" aspect of it, it just messes with the mood... I know it's part of a healthy marriage but somehow, the thought scares me. It will be awkward, no matter how comfortable I am around him. I think it will take some getting used to. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
And besides, I prefer the term "making love". Because that's what it is. An expression of love between two, and no one else, within marriage: a commitment to honor and love one another, until death. To stay inside that commitment. Because there is no one else you want more. No one else who can ever hold a candle to your partner, because they simply are not them. No wandering eye. You have eyes for only that one person; the apple of your eye.
That is what I want. To be best friends, as well as lovers. Partners for life. And some day when we're old, we will still sit and hold one another, feeling that closeness and sense of warmth and comfort. Never wanting to leave. It won't change.
And for some reason, my crazy fleeting wish that I've ALWAYS had, is that I will marry someone I grew up with. That I will marry someone who is like a brother to me. I can't see myself ever being comfortable enough in front of someone I haven't know forever. That's why I couldn't date guys at school. I wasn't comfortable. My heart would start beating, I'd start overheating, sometimes get nauseous just at a compliment or being "asked out" or whatnot. I couldn't handle it. It was very stressful.
Not Your Typical Teen Girl Fantasy • Opuss № I