6 December 2012

I apologize that this is so long.

A week before the winter solstice, a fire crackling merrily in the hearth and hot chocolate in hand, she sat down upon the sofa. Riley propped her feet up and pulled her blanket tighter around her, taking a sip of the hot, creamy drink. She had had just about enough. This hot chocolate was her treat, an indulgence to take her mind off of other things. Her heroine, for her pain. Riley was almost in love. For the first time in her life. She didn't know the true nature of her feelings, and therefore did not ever say that she WAS in love; until she knew for sure, she carefully assumed she wasn't. But these feelings and this knowledge was different. Riley had known him for many years, almost as long as she had been alive. The feelings were not returned though. He simply saw her as friend or sister. He knew she had some sort of affections for him, but he was never mean - far from it. He only treated her differently, because he did not want her to get the wrong idea. But growing up together, being around him all this time, especially with them both maturing over the last few years, her feelings had started to fall into place. Riley was not a normal girl. She had always been interested in males, from the time she was three years old; she had never been in a relationship, though. She was very shy once guys actually started paying attention to her. She found she could never be comfortable around them enough to get to know them properly - she could only do that with the ones she had known almost forever. From this she knew these other guys weren't worth it. Therefore, the relationship was something Riley felt she couldn't handle. Mostly because the right guy had never happened along. If you haven't gathered this yet from the presented information, Riley had also never been kissed. Now, the woman knew a thing or to about "him", growing up together and all, and he about her. He knew about the unfortunate run-ins she'd had with the guys-who-were-not-worth-it. And for one thing, one single important thing about him that must be mentioned, Riley knew that he wanted to wait until his wedding day to have his first kiss. Riley was fine with that. Heck, she was almost eighteen and still that pure; it couldn't hurt her to wait until the altar to have her first kiss with the boy who had taken her deepest and most mysterious feelings. But she knew he was interested in other people, at least for the time being. Riley always told herself she could wait. She wouldn't give up. She was holding on and she wasn't hurting enough to despair. Until tonight. Things had gotten a little tougher. Riley knew he basically had a girlfriend. In a family strict on dating such as his, she hadn't expected this. But there it was, he was showing up at events with her, both picked up from school by his sister. It was a little hard to handle at first, but she'd gotten used to it. She knew they weren't kissing: his older sister (and close friend of hers) had told her that he once picked the girl up and held her, which they both knew was pretty 'serious' for his standards. But nothing in the world, no soft-spoken words of kind comfort could have prepared her for this. ••• Riley had just gotten home from a rather fristrating ballet practice. She was new to the sport and was struggling with some aspects of it, not the least of which was her reflection in the dance room mirror. Riley was very insecure about her body, which was not so much overweight as 'overfat', in her own words. Feeling especially depressed as well as weak and tired, Riley headed to her room and lay on her bed a few minutes. She heard her younger brother, Dan, in the next room, yammering on video chat with someone. They had about the worst sibling relationship possible before the level of death threats, and she had already been assulted by his cruel words and disdain earlier today, which did not help her mood. Now, Riley heard Dan talking about "her". Perking her ears up, she listened carefully. It sounded like he was talking to either "him" or his sister, they sounded quite alike and the video chat distorted voices. Creeping over to her door, she heard Dan mention "him" by name. So he was talking to his sister, now what were they saying about "him"? "She has so many problems right now, with her weight, I mean she's been dieting for months and nothing's happened so she feels really bad about that, she hates me and gets pissed at me every day, and with her feelings for him? No, she can't know." They're talking about me, Riley thought, a horrible feeling growing in her stomach. There was a pause as "his" sister yammered unintelligibly on the other end. Riley crept closer to his door. "I know he said hems waiting for his wedding for his first kiss." Pause. "Yeah, no. We can't tell her. If she knew, she would fall apart. It's already bad now, she'd just get ten times worse," Dan says matter-of-factly. Can't tell me what? Riley thought. They had mentioned "him". They had mentioned the kissing thing. It was something they couldn't tell her. It involved her feelings. Slowly, Riley was putting two and two together. She had always hated math. It must have been about him and his 'girlfriend'; what if he had kissed her? It was the only thing that made sense. "Dan, what you said before about him. It's not true." She heard the sister now. "What? He TOLD me he jerked off before. C'mon, he said something very strongly implying he had." "No, what you said before." Oh, shit. Riley knew. She had figured it out. Her feeling of horror grew, but she wouldn't accept it until she heard it straight out. "Oh I know. I know about the kissing thing, I mean c'mon he's jerked off before. I didn't think he had saved his first kiss." "Yeah, he didn't." And then bam, it hit Riley in the stomach like a bull's-eye aimed lead brick. It grabbed her chest and squeezed and twisted. It strained her vocal chords and slapped her face. It was terror. It was misery. She was surprised she didn't fall backwards and start crying right then. She didn't know why she was still standing. She staggered and looked up, eyes wet, mouthing "Oh God. No. Please." with just a strained whisper escaping. "No. No." She couldn't leave. "I've seen them in the halls at youth group, hugging super romantically," Dan was continuing. "Yeah I know, they do it right in front of me." "I know! I've seen them being all intimate, I mean not like that but like hug-y and romantic right there in one of the rooms. I'm like, c'mon guys," Dan finished sarcastically. Riley had heard enough. She turned and retreated back to the living room, where the fireplace was alight. She quickly, absentmindedly made herself a cup of hot chocolate and flopped on the couch, mouthing "No, no, no, please, stop," and catching her breath. The anguish showed on her face clear as day, her eyes were moist and she clutched the blanket she found there tightly, yet she would not let herself cry. It was as if something was stopping her. She had never been in such pain. In all the emotional trauma she had experienced in her life, nothing could compare to this. And it was the worst timing. Her brother and "his" sister had been right. She was about to fall apart. There was music in her head. This was usual. Her mind was always alive with a song. A song stuck in her head. The difference now was, she was just realizing how torturous it really was. With Riley, the music was clear as when it first entered her head and would go on loop, for hours. Sometimes her mind would automatically alter the words, or even edit the song to play a certain part over like a DJ. Sometimes it would remix with another song, and eventually become that song. Sometimes a song would come along to replace it, only to have the first song fade into a background track to the second one, creating a din. One would often be there every moment as she fell asleep, and still be there when she woke up. Even when no songs she knew were occupying her mind, a tune she didn't know and had never heard before, that her subconcious had made up, was there. And voices. Sounds, things creating background noise. There was always stuff going on there, and she couldn't clear it. She heard weird voices and words as she fell asleep. Phrases that made no sense, and words that were gibberish. She could never focus. She couldn't read without one word triggering a memory of something and a whole scene arising out of it to play in her mind's eye as she read. She wasn't absorbing the words, only automatically continuing to scan the page while the scene played out in her head. Thus, Riley rarley experienced what silence was like, though she was only just realizing it. She didn't hear just the fridge humming and the clock ticking and her own breath as she read a book. She also heard a constant track playing. And that's what she heard now. She had always struggled with focus. But now, this curse was rising to torment her. And it couldn't have picked a worse time. "Stop! Stop!" she whimpered softly while thumping her head with her hand. She let out a sob and covered her face, jerking her head to the side. "Please, stop. Stop stop stop stop stop. Go away! Go away!" Voices and tunes were torturing her. Riley tried to shut them out, silence them, clear them out of her head. But they continued, unrelenting; not a moments peace for Riley. "Why? Please no. No," she whispered, feeling an indescribable misery and horror as the truth about what "he" had done continued burning into her. At the same time the sounds continued plaugueing her. The two forces swirled into one. A constant din, grower louder and louder. Riley's head was pounding. She assumed the fetal position on the couch. Any efforts to shut out the voices only seemed to make them

burrahobbitOpuss № I