3 February 2013
These are the darkest thoughts I've ever had. I am in so much pain right now. I feel as if I'm sinking into darkness; drowning. I'm watching the light at the surface fade into the distance and blur away. I'm feeling the burning in my lungs as I run out of air - run out of desire to keep fighting.
Giving up.
Is that really so bad? Do I really have to keep on fighting to keep my head above this sea of torturous pain? Do I have to keep pretending that everything is fine and put a smile on my face when I just want to disappear?
What if I did?
What if the next breath I took was my last?
I can see it now. How they would gather at my grave and pretend to miss me. Cry over their great losses. Tell stories about the 'good times' in our past.
Tell lies
Hypocrites! I'm here now and you don't even acknowledge me. You're the ones that refused to help me when I needed it most. You broke me into a thousand shattered pieces and now you've left me here to die.
Maybe I should.
Alas...the few who care about me. The few who matter most. It would be selfish to snuff out my pain only to sting them with the poisonous venom of grief and to burn them with the unyielding fire of loss. Just as selfish as the ones that ripped out my soul with years of vicious abuse and uncaring abandonment. The ones that tossed me aside like worthless garbage and watched me writhe in pain.
Gaining pleasure from my failures. They would secretly be joyous if I perished. Secretly they want me pull this trigger...to die.
Fools.
I already died when I was beaten, insulted, degraded, derided, shamed...
Ashamed...
Helpless...
Afraid.
[This was a journal entry that I logged a few weeks ago after a run in with someone that had been responsible for abusing me in the past. I'm posting it because I want anyone who feels this way to know that you, like me, can find your way through the darkness. You are not worthless. On the contrary, you are an amazing human being that brings a unique light to this world. You deserve to live, to love, and to be loved. Things will get better, I promise, just hang in there.]
How They Made Me Feel • Opuss № I