Do not follow if easily offended!!!
Alas......my last post. This site has a good thing going , although its not THE site for me to spread the unbridled love I have for humour. Bonjour....
My wife has decided she's leaving me, due to my addiction to anti-depressants....guess I won't be needing them anymore then!.
Sooo sick of hearing about that stratos jump........I came down from a much higher height after an Eminem concert in 2001.
That's the tenth passenger today who's called me a shit bus driver.....I don't know where they get off..
I just came across my ex's tits......I really ought to clean the freezer out more often..
Michael Owen "I've got the choice of three clubs"..Yeah right...Mint, Orange, or Plain..
Following Andy Carroll's departure and Clint Dempsey's failure to sign, Liverpool FC are now left with fewer striking options than a South African miner..
A woman walks into a bar."Why the long face?" Asks the barman.....An hour and a half later, he was regretting it..
They say you should keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer....so I got married!.
Every wife thinks her husband is an idiot. And they are absolutely right. Because smart men don't get married..
So Michael Owen could be going to West Ham....They must need a jockey for Andy Carroll..
I got sacked after my probation period as a postman.......They said I just wasn't delivering the goods..
Born into a family That didn't seem to care, Being brought up when young, didn't seem fair. A happy young boy with a friend or two, not realising what the world could do.
I bumped into my ex girlfriend earlier. She told me that she's married now with a baby.So I laughed and told her that I'd married an adult..
I bumped into my ex girlfriend earlier. She told me that she's married now with a baby.So I laughed and told her that I'd married an adult..
My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days. What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment..
****MISSING £50 REWARD**** Family cat, light brown fur, long thin tail.Last seen in the Essex area, Answers to 'Leo'.
Neil Armstrong has died, big deal. I have no sympathy for cyclists taking drugs!.
After being told to pay Apple $1 billion in damages..Samsung's next model will probably be two cups and a piece of string!.
My wife obviously didn't mind me going to the pub on our anniversary.She knew I'd be hungry and left me two dinners out on the table!.
While performing at V Festival in Essex Cher Lloyd had bottles of piss thrown at her......It could have been worse, It could have been Carlsberg..
I had my benefits stopped today for turning down a job.I'm sorry, but not i'm not even prepared to be a journalist for the The Sun!.
Had a right result. I bought a book of raffle tickets from the newsagents for £1.99. They're £1.00 a strip in my local pub..
NO JOKE HERE, OR MAYBE IT'S ON ME. When you go out 2 days in a row with your zip undone.......does it suggest old age & dementia???.
I was laughing non-stop watching my dog chase its tail for nearly an hour.......Dogs are so easily entertained!.
I just saw a sign that made me piss myself......"toilet out of order".
I've finally won my long-running battle with alcohol.........I used the end of a spoon to open my last can after breaking off the ring-pull..
What do Liverpool FC and Arsenal FC supporters have in common with the Inbetweeners?....Its entertaining seeing them fail to score..
My mate with Tourettes was cured after walking into a Gay Bar!"Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me!" He shouted.......he's not said a word since.
My sex life is a lot like my Lamborghini..........I don't have a Lamborghini!.
Every so often, I tell myself I should cut down on my drinking.......Then I realise I'm no where near drunk enough to be having this conversation with myself yet..
What do you call someone who was repeatedly bullied at school?.......A community support officer..
Apparently the spice girls performance was delayed because Victoria Beckham got mistaken for a javelin and was locked in the equipment cupboard..
It's good too see that on the day of the Community Shield, Manchester City are doing their bit for charity and donating to the poor.Twenty million pounds to Everton for Jack Rodwell..
I've been sacked from my job as a bingo caller ... apparently, 'a meal for two with a hairy view' is not the way to call number 69!.
Does anyone know if porn films have closing credits?.
Congratulations. You have won £250 cash or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute show!To claim your prize, press "1" for the money, "2" for the show..
The Jessica Ennis stamp from Royal Mail ,the first stamp you can lick both sides of!.
I was at the pub last night and I got a beer for my wife......Best trade I ever made!.
I haven't been the same since my wife left me........I used to be a right miserable cunt!.
Fifty shades of pink (for men): She woke me up with a bacon and egg sandwich, the bacon was crispy and the yolk and butter oozed out of the thick cut bread, when i'd finished she removed her night...
After team USA lost the cycling last night they claimed team GB were using illegal wheels. A spokesman said..
A gymnast walks into a bar........He gets a two-point deduction and ruins his chances of a medal..
Never trust a man with a bald head. For all you know, he could've been a Ginger..
Had some bad luck after walking past a black cat.............it was a panther & bit my fukin arm off!.
Apparently John terry is not allowed to lift the trophy if andy Murray wins Wimbledon!.
"laptop speakers" too quiet for music.......too loud for porn!.
My wife asked me to get a penis enlarger................I did, she's called Lucy & she's 21.
I'm trying to learn the Dutch language while I'm here..................the less said the better!.
"Jesus loves you", a great thing to hear in church..........an horrendous thing to hear in a Mexican prison!.
Sat in the airport waiting to go to work, another four weeks of pain and hurt, missing the wife (also known as "trouble and strife"), when will life treat me and my wife. Raymondo-today!.
My wife's leaving me over my poker addiction........am not worried, she's bluffing!.
To all the students that dropped out or failed their exams, remember two things, 1, you tried your best 2, I don't like gerkins on my big mac.
It's always a good week when you make it through to Friday without needing body bags or bail money!.
I want the world to be a better place, where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned!.
All the good chemistry jokes argon.
Thought I just seen shaggy..............it wasn't him!.
I swapped my wife's tampax for a party popper.........absolutely no sense of humour that girl!.
127 people are feared dead after a plane crash near Islamabad, Pakistan......both families have been informed!.
The man who took Ryanair to court over lost luggage has lost his case!.
I thought I saw a bloke wearing camouflage on my way to work...........I didn't!.
My wife was gonna leave me due to my obsession with Ross kemp..........I could see things were gonna kick off, so I got outta there!.
John terry to lead his troops into Poland this summer..........just like his hero did in 1939.
My wife's leaving me because I'm so arrogant........I told her to close the door on her way back in!.
Statistically 9/11 Americans won't get this!.
Apparently Scotland is the worlds hotspot for UFO sightings......this is also the home of "tennants super strength"!!.