All that I see is mine.
My wife said, "Those penis enlargement pills you're taking are definitely working. You're a bigger prick today than you were yesterday.".
Fella fancies a girl in his office but she has a boyfriend. He approaches her anyway & offers her £1000 if she'll have sex with him.
2 WOMEN - are having a coffee and catching up: So, how was your evening last night. A disaster.
A family is driving behind an Ann Summers delivery lorry when a large dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother says to the children "that was a big insect!".
I took the wife to a dance at the weekend, and there was a guy there giving it large on the dance floor.
Apple announced today the launch of a chip to be implanted into women's breasts and play music.
Blonde bimbo buys the new Automatic BMW X5 sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night it just won't go. He tries driving the car at night for a week but no joy.
A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells "Don't enter that church, you daft fool , its a trap!!''.
My wife asked if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. My reply of dont worry love your tits cover it....didnt go down too well..,...
Wife gets home from work to find her husband watching the football again. She said: "I'm leaving you. All you do is talk about football and you think about nothing else. I'm also seeing someone else.
I went to the local nurse with this severe rash on my balls, she has a good look and says "your going to have to stop wanking". I said "why?". She says "because I'm trying to examine you".
As I answered the front door dressed in high heals, stockings & suspenders, leather mini skirt and bright red lipstick, the Avon lady asked "Hello Sir, is your wife at home".
Archaeologists digging on a Pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead.
VERY disappointing not a patch on the first one. Latest one seems cheap and badly put together. Still it all helps paying Nicolas Cage's tax bill (;.
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." ~Douglas Adams.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance. ~Major-General John Sedgwick, shortly before he was shot and killed during theAmerican civil war..
"If you are going through hell keep going". ~Winston Chruchill.
Police raided Kermit's lily pad last night & found hundreds of naked pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frog's porn they'd ever seen!.
My mate went to see a psychic last week who told him he would be coming into money. Last night he shagged a fat bird called Penny - how spooky is that!!.
Not saying my ex is a slag...but even the label on her knickers says next!!.
BREAKING NEWS - With growing speculation over his position at Ibrox, Ally McCoist is considering a better paying job with Sky.
Mr. Tickle was really excited about marrying his girlfriend Tess. Tess, however, wasn't too sure about her new name!.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really annoyed.
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I was at the swimming pool today & decided to have a sneaky wee in the deep end. The life-guard must have noticed. He blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!.
If I want your opinion I will tell you it. ~ Tommy Docherty.
A little boy asks his mum if he can take the budgie to bed with him "no you can't" she said. But you took the budgie to bed last night mummy" he replied.
If anyone cries at my funeral I will never speak to them again. ~ Stan Laurel.
Reading a book about serial killer who murders victims by force feeding them jam and rolling them in sugar. It's a sort of who donut..