6 June 2012
I have had a very unfortunate curse put upon me from a young age. I try to be funny when I'm really not. And that curse has followed me wherever I go, giving birth to some truly absurd situations in my life. The story I am about to tell is no lie, as false as it may seem. I promise.
A bit of geography to start us off first, bare with. My grandmother lives in a rather infamous part of Belfast called the Shankill Road. I attended a youth praise-group-worship-club-thingy (Yes that's the technical term) also in Belfast but in the south of the city on the Lisburn Road. My school is on the Malone Road and I live about thirty miles south of Belfast in the middle of nowhere with all the sheep and cows and tractors and folks who always say hello because there's about fifty people in the village. Therefore it was logical to go to school on that ill-fated Friday, go to my granny's after and get changed and fed before heading over to youth on an 11a bus and then changing to a 9b bus beside the City Hall. Simple.
Now, being a little country bumpkin, I was unaware of the fact that the 11a does in fact magically transform from a bus taking all the poor people into the city centre (sorry, working class. I joke, I joke. And see you're not laughing. Told you I was cursed) into a golden chariot taking all the posh people out to their mansions on the Lisburn and Malone Roads. It makes no sense to be honest but that's how Translink work.
And so, carrying all of my belongings, I traipsed onto the 11a to be greeted by a less-than-living bus driver. Honestly, he was one of the long, gangly variety with a pale face, empty eyes, glasses and an inability to smile. You know the type? Although let me stress that not all bus drivers are like this.
Anywho, I'm on the bus, journeying into the big city and I get off at the 11a bus stop. I make my way round to the 9b bus stop to get into my noble, glorious carriage with the posh folks when, lo and behold who should greet me but the same bus driver who, by some supernatural phenomenon had changed the 11a to the 9b.
Now, you will all know that this is a very difficult social situation to negotiate. And, feeling of course awkward, embarrassed and frankly a bit miffed at his tomfoolery I covered up these emotions with the only mask I knew. Comedy. And, as previously explained, said mask may as well be made of cling film.
So, I stood tall, gathered my mouth off the pavement and my accoutrements back into my arms and got onto the bus. And before my usually rational brain could tell my mouth otherwise the following words fell from my mouth...
'Oh we've got to stop running into each other like this. I'd have thought you'd have asked me out for coffee by now.'
Yes, a sixteen year old girl asked a forty something year old bus driver out for coffee. No, I do not exaggerate. No, your eyes do not deceive you. Yes, I like pandas but that's beside the point stop trying to change the conversation.
And to make things even worse, that idiot didn't so much as give me a pity laugh. He just asked in his broad Belfast accent. 'Whur are ye away til now?' Thanks sir, thanks a lot.
The Screwball Adventures Of Delilah Episode #1 • Opuss № I