24 June 2012
I'm preparing the dinner
For tomorrow eve,
My folks are a bit preoccupied
And all day I've the house free.
So tonight I am getting a briefing
On how to prepare veggies,
Even though I know how,
My mother's a Worrying Betty.
She looked me dead in the eye,
Took me by the hand,
'My dear,' she said so solemnly
'I don't think you understand
The grave nature of this prep
Because we're having turnip for tea
And turnips are officially the world's
Most deadly veggie you see.'
I couldn't help but giggle
At this coming out of mum's mouth,
A flipping, fat old turnip?
You must be having a laugh!
I know fruit and veg can be fatal
When in the hands of our policemen,
Dad's units used to slit grapefruits' skins
Shove explosives in and lob them
At the rioters and dissidents
Just for the odd laugh,
I mean, what person in a riot
Would expect an exploding grapefruit to cross their path?
But honestly the absurdity
Of this newly learnt fact
Has taken me by surprise,
Who expects a turnip attack?
It's not like they possess a machete
Or a glock or rifle or axe,
It's not like Jimmy Carr was attacked
By a turnip for evading tax.
There's no such thing as a turnip ninja,
Or commando or sneaky spy, you know.
James Bond wasn't a turnip
Neither where Morse or Columbo.
Yet although I giggle and snigger
I feel that it is my task
To warn you, beware of your next
Turnip, it could be your last.
Turnips • Opuss № I