Bad Lawyer
What did the judge say to the lawyer who forgot to bring his bag to work "You really don't have a case".
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22 words
dougietjs
Nick, 15, England! Just got a diploma in jazz saxophone!!
265
Stories
129
Followers
Stories by @dougietjs (265)
Lady Of The Church
What do you call a lady of the church in a swimming pool. Nunderwater.
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14 words
Rats
What cold product to rats eat. Mice-cream.
4
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7 words
The exam
Today it is exam day So children gather round To hear the tales of stress That could run you to the ground The fear that's ever present While you venture deep within The pages of examination You...
28
11
177 words
Bike
Why couldn't the bike stand on its own. It was two tired.
10
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12 words
Cheddar
I would tell you a joke about cheddar but it's quite cheesy....
10
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12 words
My First Opuss
22 blondes walk into a building You'd have thought one of them would've seen it.
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15 words
Skiers masiv
He knows not where he's going For the mountain will decide It's not the destination It's the beauty of the ride (Posted before but this is my favourite thing I've written).
8
2
31 words
Salon
A blonde walks into a hair salon and asks for a haircut, on one condition: the hairdresser mustn't knock off the blondes headphones.
24
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82 words
Glue
I recently got in trouble for knocking over a tub of glue in a factory It left me in a sticky situation.
10
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22 words
Girlfriend 19
My girlfriends leaving me because I can't handle her constant electrocution She really shocked me.
10
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15 words
Hard to put down
My new books really hard to put down. The glue on my hands isn't helping either really.
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17 words
Page turner
My new book advertises itself as a real page turner. To be honest, that's one of the minimum requirements I expect from a book (Michael Mcyintyre).
6
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26 words
Handy!
On the other hand you have more fingers.
6
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8 words
Advertising
Apparently people are being paid to advertise on Opuss. That's as crazy as the prices at David's retail outlet....
6
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19 words
Race
Two clothes designers were having a running race, who came first. Neither, it was a tie.
6
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16 words
A door
When's a door not a door. When it's a jar (A classic joke, not claiming credit for it).
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18 words
A man
What do you call a man with a rubber toe. Roberto.
8
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11 words
A bad dog joke
What do you call a dog that's really crazy. Barking mad.
4
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11 words
Girlfriend 18
My girlfriend's leaving me because I always get my jokes mixed up To get to the other side!.
8
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18 words
Girlfriend 17
My girlfriend's leaving me because of my obsession with dressing up as Satan and listening to the rolling stones She has no sympathy for the devil.
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26 words
Girlfriend 16
My girlfriend's leaving me because I never tell people the punchline of my jokes.
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14 words
Girlfriend 15
My girlfriends leaving me because I'm obsessed with electricity I said "I've got the power in this relationship".
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18 words
Park
I was in the park yesterday and i got so excited I accidentally threw my watch. I suppose time flys when you're having fun.
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24 words
Pilot
My friend recently became a pilot I said "You're gunna go far in life".
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14 words
Brick laying
I've started a career as a brick layer Business is building at the moment.
8
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14 words
Friend
My friend thinks he's the only one missing a vital organ I just don't have the heart to tell him.
8
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20 words
Talk
"We need to talk" Thought the caveman.
8
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7 words
Apocolypse
At least the apocalypse happening wasn't the end of the world.
6
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11 words
Adele
My wife crashed her car last night while listening to adele She ended up rolling in the jeep.
14
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18 words
Watch straps
My friend makes belts out of old watch straps Complete waist of time if you ask me (Ian christly).
6
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19 words
New friends
I try to make new friends by talking about global warming I always find it's a good way to break the ice.
10
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22 words
fireworks
I decided to open up a fireworks shop Business is booming (Clive Anderson).
4
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13 words
Writing
I was recently told to write a fictional story I thought "that's a novel idea".
2
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15 words
A general statement
To those of you (although probably not many) who have read my jokes I apologise for not posting for a long time.
8
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56 words
Girlfriend 14
My girlfriends leaving me because of my obsession with cats she kicked meowt.
10
3
13 words
Science Teacher
My science teacher threw sodium at me That's a salt.
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10 words
Airing
I hear they're airing a new show on T.V Mainly so the actors don't suffocate.
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15 words
Girlfriend 13
My girlfriends leaving me because I always use bad fishing puns I'm just gunna have to hook up with someone else.
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21 words
Girlfriend 12
My girlfriends leaving me because I always use common phrases in the wrong situations But I suppose there's no time like the present.
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23 words
Girlfriend 11
My girlfriends leaving me because of my obsession with dogs She really barked at me.
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15 words
Losing an argument
Why did the guy who lost an argument eat Alphabetti Spaghetti. He had to eat his words.
4
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17 words
Bakery
I stole from the bakery earlier It was a piece of cake (Nevil Mandil).
12
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14 words
Dog
What did the dog say when his friend kept nagging him for money. Stop hounding me.
8
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16 words
Felines
Where do felines browse for furniture. A cat - a - logue (unknown author).
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14 words
Pink Bird
What did the pink bird say when its car wouldn't start. "Just Flamin - go".
10
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15 words
Electrician
What did the religious electrician say when he found a missing light bulb. "I've seen the light!".
12
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17 words
Obviously
Why was the postman bad at his job. He didn't turn up for work.
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14 words
Clinically Precise
My job requires me to be clinically precise I'm a doctor.
6
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11 words
Chocolate
My friend was getting angry at me because I was getting her chocolate bars mixed up I got her snickers in a twix (Nevil Mandil).
8
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25 words
Girlfriend 10
My girlfriends leaving me because of my obsession with wearing a blindfold I didn't see that coming.
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17 words
The future
The best way to predict the future is to create it.
6
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11 words
Opportunity
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
10
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7 words
Girlfriend 9
My girlfriends leaving me because of my gambling addiction I bet she'll be back though.
12
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15 words
My dad
My dad doesn't really understand common phrases very well, and recently I found a room completely stuffed with ipod touches, nanos, Ipads and more.
8
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44 words
Taking Risks
My life is all about taking Risks It's really exciting stealing board games.
6
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13 words
Famous People
You can say anything and sound smart if you quote a famous person - Albert Einstein.
18
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16 words
Statistics
You can use statistics to prove anything, 14 percent of people know that.
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2
13 words
Small town
I'm not saying it's a small town, but the map is actual size.
12
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13 words
Doctor, doctor!
Doctor, doctor, people keep making bad puns about the ocean. "I sea...".
16
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12 words
Ocean
What did the ocean say to the land. Nothing, it just waved.
14
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12 words
Trampolines
I'm scared of trampolines, they make me jump.
8
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8 words
The freezer
A boy recently left his girlfriend in a freezer with a low-cut top on He asked her to forgive him but he just got the cold shoulder.
6
1
27 words
Dyslexic friend
My dyslexic friend recently started worshipping santa.
8
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7 words
Razor blade
I found out having your job resting on a razor blade edge can be really stressful That was when I realised working for Gillette wasn't an ideal career choice.
8
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29 words
Clocks
There's a really annoying clock in my room I can tell you it's really ticking me off.
8
4
17 words
Birthday
I forgot my girlfriends birthday so I'm in the dog house at the moment Turns out it's a great hiding place.
12
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21 words
The post office
As I sealed my envelope in the post office, I could tell the postman was shocked I was hitting the envelope with a walrus..
8
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24 words
Girlfriend 8
My girlfriends leaving me because I'm obsessed with money. She'll pay for this.
18
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13 words
Captain
Why did the captain go to the shops There was a sail on.
4
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13 words
Taxi driver
Did you hear about the annoying taxi company. They drove people round the bend.
6
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14 words
Boxing
My mate asked if he could borrow my boxing gloves I said "Knock yourself out".
10
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15 words
My favourite bad joke
2 fish are sitting in a tank when one turns to the other and says "How the hell do you drive this thing?!".
10
4
23 words
Bus ride
So a woman is sitting on a bus with her 6 month old child and a man sits down next to her. After a few minutes, the man turns to the woman and says "That is by far the ugliest baby I've ever seen!".
4
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106 words
Clocks
Saw a guy in the street holding about 50 clocks He had a lot of time on his hands.
14
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19 words
Skiers Journey
He knows not where he's going For the mountain will decide It's not the destination It's the glory of the ride.
12
2
21 words
Six Afraid
Why was six afraid of seven. It wasn't. Numbers aren't sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear..
20
1
18 words
Farmer
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor. Where's my tractor.
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13 words
Biologist
Why did the biologist go shopping. He needed some new jeans.
14
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11 words
Dave
Roses are red My names Dave This poem makes no sense Microwave (Unknown author).
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14 words
Referee
I was in a tense bar with an angry football referee when someone insulted him. He really kicked things off.
8
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20 words
High jumpers
I think high jumpers tend to go over the top..
12
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10 words
Pencil
So this guy was telling a really long joke about a sharp pencil, so in the end I asked him to get to the point..
14
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25 words
The army
Whose the best at keeping secrets in the army. The privates.
10
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11 words
Dust Pan And Brush
Have you heard about the new dust pan and brush craze. It's sweeping the nation.
10
1
15 words
Rowing
So a blonde is driving down the road listening to the radio listening to blonde joke after blonde joke. She starts getting increasingly angry until she can't take it anymore and shuts the radio off.
32
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85 words
18th birthday
So a boy is born with a one of a kind medical condition - he only had a head.
18
3
166 words
The church
I'm listed as an organ donor The church were very happy with my contribution.
8
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14 words
My Dad
My dad's always misusing popular phrases, and recently bought me a watch for my birthday I said "Why did you get me this Dad?" He said "There's no present like the time".
18
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32 words
Golfer
Why did the golfer change his socks. Because he got a hole in one. *Ba dum dum tss*.
10
1
18 words
Science conference
I went to a science conference about static in the air The atmosphere was electric.
24
1
15 words
The sky
Learning about the sky left me feeling blue....
12
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8 words
Girlfriend 7
My girlfriends leaving me because of my poor geographical skills I have no idea where I went wrong.
12
0
18 words
Girlfriend 6
My girlfriends leaving me because I lost my guide dog She showed me the door.
10
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15 words
True story
I was singing the "Whats's up kitty cat" song and my cat walked in and meowed... I was proud.
18
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19 words
Bass
There's too many jokes about bass at the moment seriously people, just drop it.
14
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14 words
Towel
What did the towel say about its wine. "It's rather dry".
10
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11 words
Aeroplane
Why did the aeroplane go bust. It banked too heavily.
10
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10 words
A bad science joke
A scientist's laboratory was robbed, including the periodic table, and all he could find was a lone ninja At least he had the element of left....
12
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26 words
Scientific wife
My annoying wife is obsessed with Nitrogen and Silver All it is is NAg NAg NAg....
28
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16 words