6 August 2012
Operator: Good morning and thank you for calling Happy Land. How can I help you today?
Caller: I feel like shit, and I need cheering up
Operator: that's great to hear. That's what we here at happy land are here for.
Caller: are you saying that your glad I'm feeling shit?
Operator: Happy Campers are always glad to to help.
Caller: are you going to make me feel better, I feel worse now.
Operator: good. Happy Land is here to help
Caller: so your happy that I'm feeling worse?
Operator: yes. Happy campers are always happy.
Caller: we'll I'm not
Operator: I am
Caller: I'm not!!
Operator: I am. La la la la la
Caller: your supposed to be helping
Operator: happy land caters for all your needs. I'm happy to tell you I'm transferring you to select a happy camper option
........hideously happy hold music.......
Press 1 if you'd like to listen to jokes Press 2 if you'd like to hear joyful singing Press 3 if you would like to hear inspirational sounds Press 4 if you'd like these options again Press 5 if you'd like to speak to a Happy Camper
............silence as he thinks...........
Recording: I'm sorry I didn't catch that.
Caller: of course you didn't machine, I'm still thinking
Recording: thank you I'm transferring you to inspirational sounds
Caller: I didn't press anything!
....... Sound of birds singing a happy bloody tune............
Recording : if you'd like to listen to that again press #. If you are now happy then please hang up alternatively please wait......
Press 1 if you'd like to listen to jokes Press 2 if you'd like to hear joyful singing Press 3 if you would like to hear inspirational sounds Press 4 if you'd like these options again Press 5 if you'd like to speak to a Happy Camper
....caller presses 5......
Recording: thank you I'm transferring you to joyful singing ....
...... The sound of Captain Sensible blares down the telephone....."happy talking talk happy talk, talk about things we like to do ......"
Caller: I pressed 5 you stupid machine!
Recording: If you'd like to listen to singing again press # if your now happy please hang up alternatively please listen to the following options
Press 1 if you'd like to listen to jokes Press 2 if you'd like to hear joyful singing Press 3 if you would like to hear inspirational sounds Press 4 if you'd like these options again Press 5 if you'd like to speak to a Happy Camper
....... Caller presses 5 hard......
Recording: thank you you are being transferred to a Happy Camper now
Operative: Hello welcome to Happy Land, how can I help you today?
Caller: I feel shit, I'm pissed off, my wife has spent all my bonus and just had to listen to captain sensible... Your supposed to making me happy!
Operative: good. We're here to help.
Caller: not you as well
Operative: everyone at Happy Land is here to help
Caller: we'll your not doing a very good job of it are you?
Operative: mmmm I can hear you ate not happy with our service , would you like me to transfer you to our complaints department?
Caller: NO! Just make me happy!
Operative: there is no need to shout sir. Have you tried singing?
Caller: yes
Operative: have you tried inspirational sounds?
Caller: yes!
Operative: have you tried jokes?
Caller: no
Operative: ok let me transfer y...
Caller : please don't put me on hold again!!
Operative : ok sir, but I'm not a joker.
Caller: mmm give it yet best shot
Operative: ok. Knock knock
Caller: who's there?
Operative: Rosa
Caller: Rosa who?
Operative : Rosa wee hooses...
Caller: .... Silence....
Operative: ok....what did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Caller: dunno
Operative: dam!
Caller : .... Mild snigger....
Operative: ok ......doctor doctor , I broke my arm in two places ..... Well don't go back there
Caller: ... Stifled laugh.....
Operative: ok... I'm getting somewhere .....what's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Caller: dunno
Operative : your wife will always blow your bonus...
Caller: ...... Silence ........... Sobs........
Operative: sir?......sir?.........are you alright?
How Can I Help You Today ....... • Opuss № I