12 November 2012
500th Opuss!
Date: 12th November 2012 Time: 12:35 Defendant: Chantelle Kai Smith-Kline
Reporting Officer: DCI Spanx
I was called to an incident at approximately 12.30 by several members of the public, who called the FashionStoppers line in sheer terror and confused state. Not knowing whether it was night or day.
Upon my arrival at Swindon town centre at 12.34, I immediately saw the girl in question. In fact there were two of them. I understood immediately the publics concern. They were, what I can only describe as, wearing baby gros. I have now been informed by PC Girdle, that these are called "onesies". The girls, who were aged between 15 and 18 years of age, one with dyed black hair, the other with blonde, well sort of white with yellow roots. They looked of ethnic appearance, however on a closer inspection they were actually a burnt umber colour, masking their natural Caucasian skin.
The girl with black hair, and aunt Sally cheeks, was wearing a plain pink velour one and the blonde girl I now know to be the defendant, Chantelle Kai, had a cow print "onesie".
I observed the pair amongst the shoppers for several minutes. It was then I also clocked their footwear. They appeared to be wearing sheepskin slipper boots, not, as PC Girdle informs me, the overpriced Australian footwear known as Uggs, but a cheaper variety that resembles soleless slippers after a weeks wear.
Both girls were now talking loudly on their jewel encrusted phones, causing more panic and continual watch checking amongst the public.
I immediately approached the two individuals, the first girl I cautioned as she, in her defence, said she received the said fashion horror from her friend, Chantelle Kai. I sent her straight home to bed as this is the only place such garments should be worn. I arrested Miss Smith-Kline immediately for contravening section 101 of the Crimes Against Fashion Act. Wearing an adult babygro or "onesie" in public at such an age was unspeakable.
She is currently in our cells, sucking on a dummy.
I recommend Miss Chantelle Kai Smith-Kline be sentenced to 12 months behind bars... Cot bars. Only babies should wear babygros, she should also receive a full jet wash to remove her burnt umber colouring and the concreted make up off her face. I also recommend she take the Appropriate Footwear Rehabilitation course run by Miss @sjw for shoes and Miss@eddie12309 for boots.
DCI Spanx
They're Wearing What??? • Opuss № I