28 November 2012
Cold, white marble slabs underneath where I was sitting. Chilled the surface of my skin and seeped into my veins. The sea breeze carried harsh salt that matted my hair and stuck to my face. I smelt the salt in the air mixed with the blood oranges scent from the grove on the left side of the house. The smell was sharp and enthralling, it made me feel alive. However I did not want to feel alive. Alive felt wild and uncontrollable. Alive made me anxious. For a moment I wanted to be solitary and lost in thought and deep. I breathed deep gulps of air until my frantic thoughts calmed. I focused of the view. The sky was a stormy grey but no raindrops were supposed to fall until later tonight. The clouds made everything look darker and more vicious but the temperature, even though it was cold for California, was not too bad. There were not many people on the far street now. Most people would be somewhere nearer the city or staying at home because today was not a good day for the beach. Lots of fish, seaweed and jellyfish washed up on shore. I overheard someone say that their friend had heard rumours about a grandfather turtle being washed up. That is always tragic. Grandfather turtles have lived for hundreds of year so everyone on the beach steps up to help roll those tortoises back over. The sound of the waves crashing so violently should have been distressing but it was oddly soothing. I felt that the ocean shared my torment and I wasn't alone. Of course I wasn't completely alone, I had John but, I'm not sure. I can't really tell him about this, he wouldn't understand. 'Zack would.' A tiny voice inside my head whispered. I instantly hushed it but that didn't stop the train of thought running free without control. I wondered how he was, where he was. Was he still a sailor? Was he enjoying it? I dearly hoped he was alright. As I stared out at the sea I felt a connection. Far away, further than I could see, someone was thinking about me. I felt a bizarre longing for this person yet peace within myself. I could feel the need for someone who I could trust and the despair building up inside me. I pulled my knees to my chest and let the tears flow. I lay down, pressing my hand to the floor. I clawed at it, trying to find something to hold onto. This made me more frustrated and I sobbed harder. I closed my eyes and welcomed the unconsciousness.
Loved You All Along Part Something • Opuss № I