espekayen
Porn stars, work out your civilian name by taking the name that people called you at school and adding your dad's surname.
If I had a pound for every time I thought about my wife, I'd probably start thinking about her.
The only way to survive a zombie apocalypse is to become a cameraman. They never die.
I think I'm going to try my hand at writing some creepypasta. It's hard to get inspired, though; I've been reading some creepypasta online and some of it is very good. A lot of it is suitably creepy and spine-tingling. I think I have a few …
I asked the personal trainer at the gym what machine I should use to impress the ladies. She looked me up and down and said, "Try the cash machine outside, you fat bastard."
Sex is for losers who haven't discovered the joys of Dungeons and Dragons.
My doctor says I'm addicted to masturbation but I think I'll get over it. Touch wood.
I had a huge scare last night when the condom nearly split. Almost had to buy a new laptop.
When three people have sex, it's called a threesome. When two people have sex, it's called a twosome. Now I understand why they call you handsome.
It must've been a nightmare before Facebook was invented, having to ring all your friends to tell them what you're having for dinner.
Whenever my wife is cooking, I like to walk up behind her, slowly stroke her hair and whisper into her ear... "Let's order a pizza."
I've just seen the most mythical of beasts. A Horsicorn; it's a unicorn with a horse's head. So beautiful.
I can't believe my neighbour thinks I'm a perverted stalker. She says I'm always staring at her and that I give her the creeps. She's also convinced I'm watching her all the time and that she is considering calling the police. At least I t…
My wife just burst in on me and said, "You're so immature! You need to grow up!" Can you believe it? The sign on my fort clearly states: "No girls allowed."