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The Queen missed out on a great opportunity tonight... Instead of opening the games, she should have stood and said: "I now hold hostage the heads of state of 200 countries.
#nightdwellers Let me tell you the ditty of one boozy boy; The infamous Durable Michael Malloy, A $3000 insurance ploy Some oysters, snow, gangsters and gas.
A body farm is a research facility for the study of decomposing bodies in different settings, I'm guessing for crime research.
Dear diary Well Luke actually came by today. And what a mess that boy leaves.
Dear diary, Luke didn't show up. Again. Really thought he'd come around to the idea of having a father. That's gratitude for you I suppose.
Dear Diary, My minions continue to be blithering idiots. Constant disregard for my instructions is infuriating. Poor diary, I know I do complain of these humans all too often - but what am I to do?.
Cliche #2 "What do you want?" "Please come back to me (Generic Name), I wasn't trying to hurt you. Believe me. I would die for you." Notes: Right, so many things wrong with that.
Nigel the cannibal was short on food He found himself in quite a mood Couldn't bring himself to kill a living soul But being a cannibal he couldn't eat cheese roll Only surviving on small animals he...
Colder and colder, my heart turns to ice, I transform from the old me, The me that was nice, Now my plans for world domination, Have been ruined by the people from a once friendly nation, My secret...
A long time ago there was a hotel and one day a German man who didn't know much English went to the hotel.
When all is dark, It's midnight. Everyone's asleep. The school across the road from me, Makes a giant leap.
There once was a frog named Bob, Who ate lots of corn on the cob, He got really fat, Then fell flat, And was trampled by an angry mob, (I feel sorry for Bob!. He was a lovely frog.
Not suitable for little ears #nightdwellers @smellyfingers I'm so sorry, kids, What a vicious rumour. Of course Santa is real. Just a joke told in humour.
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line.
#household Knife: (to fork) what do you do. Fork: Well, I have an awful job. People stab me into their food and shove me in their mouths. I mean, some people have no respect for forks. Knife: Oh...
Here I go. Off to bed. Where I'll rest. My sleepy head. Thoughts of you. Will fill my mind. Sexy tits. And your behind. Spreading cheeks. Far and wide. I'll take a look. Deep inside. As I look.
Can I tell him I know Kung Fu. Can I tell him to watch out. Can I tell him I once watched a man die After I tasered him in the mouth. Can I call him nicknames Like Beefcake, Psycho and Pimp.
A man was playing golf on Sunny warm weekend day with his buddies. He was about to hit the ball onto the green when they saw a long funeral procession on the road next to the golf course.
A man was playing golf on Sunny warm weekend day with his buddies. He was about to hit the ball onto the green when they saw a long funeral procession on the road next to the golf course.
I'm so glad, I don't live in a tank I once ate a guy named Hank I bit off his head He's definitely dead And what I didn't eat sank I swam from Australia to Cuba I ate a guy doing scuba with his...
I will die because of Twitter. One way or another Twitter will kill me.
A flies point of view, Yeeeesss, the sun. It looks so pretty, wow I didn't remember the sun being so close, I'm going to land on the sun, the freakin' sun. Getting warmer, no actually getting....
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing.
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.