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An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry, and was suing the lorry company. In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
Okay, I swear my cat is trying to kill me. Seriously. She left all her toys on the stairs, an once I tripped down one and fell down the stairs, damaging my back and leg.
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The three men stood around the filing cabinet and stared at the contents of the narrow drawer Matheson had just pulled out; he with pride, the other two in quiet admiration. ‘That’s the lot.
You know you're a Taliban if... You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
Cellophane squeaks as I Unravel the seal Edge my nail under flap For a 'chew after meal'. 14 chewy soldiers Stand straight in two rows Minty aromas Start to reach my nose.
3 people were stuck on an island, with no hope of swimming to the mainland. Suddenly, God turns up and says for them to go into the forest and get 10 of one fruit.
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.
Little Johnny's Cookie. Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie." "I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.
Tiny little Becky Tate, Swinging on a Garden gate, Daisy chains, Curly hair, Giggle-ing Without a care; Swinging forwards, Swinging back...
Little Ralphie Werewolf was facing his annual quandary of what to get his mother, Wanda Werewolf, for Mother's Day.
For charity, save the children. You can freeze them now, you know. You need not eat a whole one In one overfilling go.
Fat flying vermin, no Tommy Guns in sight, eluding the stereotype. They have muscled their way on to your balcony. Using your house as a another dodgy front, for breeding their own little family.
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99. ". She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please.
There was a young girl that was sad, Which gave much pleasure to her mum and her dad, For her they despised, So she wasn't surprised, When they smacked her hard with a notepad.
A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head. "I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde. "You can't. I'll die.
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
Inspired by the magnificent Weirdwolf and based on a conversation after his piece 'Walkers' It was the Zombapocalypse - about day 23 (Any later and zombies fall apart apparently) When who should...
I do not have an OCD over tidiness. I just wanted to clear that up. I've just bought myself a hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated.
A little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals.
"Grandma, what big eyes you have. So very big, and bright, and Grandma, what big teeth you have.
Luke Skywalker's retirement hadn't gone to plan His guest list short, I know, he thought, I'll invite Leia and Han But their marriage soured And had really hit the skids She'd been seeing Lando and...
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison.