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My sister arrived home from a driving lesson yesterday and exclaimed: "I was driving along and I think I might have accidentally hit a peasant." Oh my, how we laughed..
I think I need glasses. Everywhere I look people are two-faced.
I am SINGLE as Fact-- I am SINGLE as FUCK--.
ABCD gol'fish MNO gol'fish SDR gol'fish RDL gol'fish S is RDR gol'fish It's been a long train journey home!.
A friend told me that onions were the only food that could make you cry. That was before I hit him with a watermelon..
Mom: are you talking back to me??!. Me: well yeah, that's kinda how communication works.. 0_o.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?.
Sometimes, I'll stand up in a meeting and say, "You just gave me an idea!" Then I leave the room, drive home, and go to bed..
Teacher: Where is your homework. Student: I uploaded it on Facebook and I tagged you in it..
"The most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity." -Harlan Ellison.
When life throws you lemons, you throw it right back and demand lemonade!.
A bro respects all his bros in the military because they've selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more to the point, because they can kick his ass six ways to Sunday..
There are three fears an opuss writer can face. 1) no one has liked your story yet. 2) there are no comments. Why don't you write the first. Go on, don't be shy!. 3) 20% battery remaining.
Take it up with my butt. He's the only one that gives a crap. - Peter Griffin, Family Guy.
If you are what you eat you might as well eat a skinny person!!.
Every cloud has a silver lining... That's why I don't recommend travelling by air..
~ What's your favourite letter. ~ Mine is the squiggly ~ ~ Wiggly squiggly is awesome ~~~~~.
Barry B. Benson: How about a suicide pact. Vanessa: How do we do it. Barry B. Benson: I'll sting you, you step on me. Vanessa: That just kills you twice..
Has anyone else experienced that awkward moment when you win an award and your just like sitting there grinning like a Cheshire Cat?.
Wanna know a secret. I SHOWER NAKED. .
Bitch please.
A where ma keys, a where ma phone….
What my To Do List looks like: I'm not doing shit today. Mission accomplished!.
I like being weird. Weird's all I've got and that's my sweet style!.