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Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up..
The word “but” is a great way to let people know that the first part of your sentence was all a lie..
Friend: "What if there was no google?" Me: "I don't know, google it.".
May your life be like toilet roll; long and useful.
"that's what." -she.
I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it..
Who decided that paper beats rock. Have someone hold up a sheet of paper in front of their face, then throw a rock at it. I think we know who'll win..
We are the best of friends. Remember that if you fall I will always pick you up - after I finish laughing..
When a woman says 'What?' it doesn't mean he didn't hear you, it means she's giving you a chance to change what you said..
Going to McDonald's for salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug..
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years..
Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it plenty of times!.
Who's Pete and why is it for his sake?.
If your relationship status says, "It's complicated" maybe you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single".
TEIAM, there, problem solved..
The force is like duck tape, it has a light side, a dark side and it holds the world together..
"I'm stuck in an ATM vestibule... with Jill Goodacre. - Chandler Muriel Bing.
"Yes. And a siren is whoowhoo!" - My two year old cousin..
I've been looking for a boy like you - not you, but like you..
"When you see your ex who broke your heart walking down the street, hold your head high and your middle finger higher. Let him know what he's missing." ~Megan Fox.
There's no "I" in flammable, but there's an "us" in combustible..
"I don't like to brag, but I'm an excellent gloater.".
We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true..
"Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up. You see this. This... is my boomstick!".