10 Bad Excuses for Being Late
1. There was an explosion on my street and I had to help the police with casualties. 2.
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Hilarious kid Joke
A kid had to learn his ABC as homework. He asked his mum who was on the phone, "Muum, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" "Shut up." she said.
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Texts From My Dog 14
DOG: guess who left the back gate open. Get back here NOW. I'm waiting... Where ARE you. GET HOME NOW. DOG: I'm stuck. FFS where. DOG: underneath the neighbours fence.
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Llamas and Helicopters
Today I saw a llama Fluffy, brown and white Sitting on the train Sipping on a glass of champagne I asked him "Mr Llama, Where have you been" He answered quite rhetorically "to see things iv never...
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Texts From My Dog 13
DOG: why you shut me in room. You know why. DOG: no I don't. You do so. DOG: because you using vacuum cleaner. Your smarter than you look. DOG: your not, you've got a face like a pug. So do you.
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Blonde Paint.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
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Blonde Jokes
I find them racist and mean to us blondes, but oh well they're funny... I don't go critical about them, but just saying, it's not so nice sometimes... I mean what about brunettes. And the rest of...
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Eats Shoots And Leaves
One day a panda walked into a bar. He ordered a lettuce sandwich and took a seat at a small table. When he had finished his meal he stood up and shot the man at the next table.
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My Joke Book.
Q: what do you call a deer with no eyes. A: no idea Q: what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs. A: still no idea Q: what do you call a man with a spade on his head.
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Camels
Once there was an welsh man ,an English man and a Chinese man and they were all going to race camels across the desert Now camels are famous for farting so they were all at the starting line and of...
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Rock, Paper, Scissors
I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how rock can beat scissors, but there's no way that paper can beat rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around rock leaving it immobile.
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Another Joke
A blonde, a ginger and a brunette are camping in a forest. When they get hungry, the ginger goes off to get food. They come back with a deer over their shoulder.
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John
John was a happy man, he lived in a shed, drove a lawn mower and had a nice red hat and a fishing rod. He had a peaceful life until the kids came round and threw him in the pond to drown.....
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Gurkas, Ninjas And Shoes
-Family talking about recent goings on within the area- Mum: Did you hear about that gurka that got jumped outside of Southminster train station. Dad: Who'd be stupid enough to jump a gurka.
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Infrequently :)
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
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Scooter Gangs
They roam the streets on two wheels, their laughing and shouting strikes fear into the hearts of the everyday man and woman, soon the pavements we walk on won't be safe, Britain is being taken over...
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Texts From My Dog 9
DOG: you hear me barking. DOG: what if they was a burglar in the house and your just ignoring me Is there a burglar in the house. DOG: I hope not. Well then, go to sleep. DOG: I can't.
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Elevator
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
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A Short Story
There once was a man named Charlie. He was very short. The End..
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Texts From My Dog 7
DOG: how long til u be home. Told you I'll be in at 7. You ready for walkies!. DOG: YES. CAN WE TAKE THE BALL You want the ball. DOG: YES. Who wants the ball DOG: ME.
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Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once urinated in a trucks gas tank as a joke we now know this truck as Optimus prime.
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A Suitable Tale
Let me tell you a story about a suit...
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A Close Call
Early morning, Friday 13th, My eyes still sting from the lack of sleep, My mouth dying for a coffee, I arise out of bed and run Laura a bath then walk towards the kitchen for that morning fix of...
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Shut Up And Listen
A wife speaking to her husband. You. You never clean the house. You. Always make a mess. You never do the washing up, or either do the shopping.
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