Rule Of Life
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn..
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Untitled
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice to confuse everyone. :).
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Thanks For The Compliment
You called me a bitch. A bitch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are part of nature. Nature is beautiful. Thanks for the compliment. ;) -Unknown.
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Sleeping
My all-time favorite activity..
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Supermarket
Not finding mom in the supermarket. No matter how old you are its still a reason to panic..
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Oh Wow
Your really gonna fight me over the internet. Whats the worsed you can do can do capslock me to death?.
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Have A Sec?
Pro Tip: If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will forget their original question..
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Untitled
“It's always too early to quit.” — Norman Vincent Peale.
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Untitled
“The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.” — Shirley Maclaine.
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I Don't Need Anger Management...
...People just need to stop pissing me off!.
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Advice
I hate to take advice from him. He needs it so badly himself. ~James Dent.
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On Hold
I used to love this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone, later I found out that she was keeping me on hold..
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Am I A Prophet Yet?
How many times do you have to be right when everybody else is wrong to be considered a Prophet... Cuz, I'm just saying.. I must be getting pretty damn close. I'm just saying....
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Bitch
you call me a bitch. Well, a bitch is a dog, dogs bark, bark is on trees, trees are part of nature, nature is beautiful, so yeah thanks for the compliment..
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A Husbands Turn-On
Wife gets naked and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'.
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No Real Progress
This world is not going to make any real progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock..
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Really!
I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous, but...... I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school..
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The Remote
I will do anything humanly possible to reach the remote without getting up..
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100 Things To Do Before You Die
I just read a list of '100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them....
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Bubble-wrap
We are all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap..
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Source Code
I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code..
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Bar Sign
Actual Sign in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance.".
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Wifi Not Working
How do I approach my neighbors and tell them that their WiFi isn't working properly and they might need to reset the modem?.
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Surviving A Horror Movie
Steps To Survive A Horror Movie: Never say ” I`ll be back,” because odds are, your ass isn't coming back!.
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