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George Bernard Shaw telegrammed Winston Churchill just prior to the opening of Major Barbara: "Have reserved two tickets for first night.
I'm sure that most people have seen the viral video of the penguins on a plane. Well, I thought it would be fun to write a trailer voice over for the video.
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose..
An Israeli General was asked: "Can you forgive a terrorist?"He replied: "God forgives. My task is to arrange their meeting".
Me (to my aunt Ansam) : this sore in my mouth is bugging. What is it called when it's on your tongue. A canker sore. Or is that just on the inside your mouth?. Oh wait. I think Its called herpes.
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ….
"I would never lie. I willfully participated in a campaign of misinformation." - - Fox Mulder.
"Did you really think that you could call up the devil and ask him to behave?" -- Fox Mulder.
Hey Motels, you can take the "Color TV" signs down now. We know.....
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you..
F*cking a mannequin is not an excuse to tell your friends you're banging a model..
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments..
I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word." I answered, "Not good at following instructions.".
I don't mean to be a jerk, Kermit, but there aren't actually that many songs about rainbows, especially compared to songs about oral..
If you see a guy driving around with an empty car seat, PLEASE offer him a sympathy beejay. We're all in this together, people. #hope.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works..
If you recieve something that says,"Send it to all your friends" , then please don`t consider me as your friend..
Turtle not angry, Turtle disappointed in you!.
Silence. I kill you. ~ Achmed.
Ted: [talks about Robin] She wants casual... Okay, I'll be casual. I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual. You know why. 'cause it's a game.
I`m not a stalker. Look. Here`s a picture of you in the shower... Am I in it. Nooooo!.
Walking back from lunch I was stopped by this guy who was wearing a nametag…His name was Waldo…He was asking for directions….WTF…Even Waldo doesn’t know where he is!.
They say, "It`s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter." Well, if you call me up at 4 a.m. I'm totally kicking your ass. By the way, are we hanging out this weekend?.