4 May 2012
Rain. Not the drenching kind, but that's what I wish for. Still, this rain is enough.
It pours down from the open sky, which is crowded with dark clouds that speak lightning. It won't come, I know, but I still wish for it.
I stand outside the college pool entrance, slowly wetting down to my bones, letting the drops slither in between my lips and down my collar. I'm not the girl that carries an umbrella when it looks like rain. I would rather be soaked by it, washing over my skin like I wish it would cleanse my soul. I wish I could spontaneously dance around in the rain, but that never happens.
I have never felt real pain. I have never really lost everything. I feel like I have, but I haven't. I don't think I could.
Even though I don't think so, I'm a survivor of physical pain. I can handle it. I can also handle the mental grip I've been fighting for so long, not even sure what it is and where it's from.
I'm attracted to the grayness of rain. How beautiful everything looks when it's wet. The smell of it. The feeling of it. Maybe I love it because it makes the world feel like I'm feeling inside.
I've never been so happy I could burst. I don't understand why I haven't. I don't have any reason not to be happy, do I?
I've tried things to fix it. I've convinced myself that something I don't have would fix it. Someone I don't have could fix it.
But the truth is, I don't really know what will fix me.
Fix Me • Opuss № I