16 March 2012
With St. Patrick's Day at hand, I decided that it would be appropriate to catch a leprechaun, and steal his treasure. I came upon one of the Wee Folk in a forest clearing, and observed that he was...fixing shoes! Excited, I ran up to him to see if he could fix my favorite loafers...do you know how hard it is to find competent and affordable shoe repair in throw-away American society?!
"Excuse me, small green man," I interrupted him, but could you possibly look at my loafers? The seam seems to have lost a stitch or two."
"Loafers, are they?," said the wee green man, putting aside his clay pipe to converse. "Isn't that just like an American?--You buy cheap goods made in China at Walmart, and then expect them to last forever!" His small but skilled hands flew over my loafers as I stood there in my stocking feet, and soon they were as good as new!
"Now since you're a leprechaun," I said admiring his handiwork, "I'm afraid I must ask you for your pot of gold," I demanded.
"So you exploit me, and now it's to be a strong-armed robbery, is it?," remarked the little man as he peered at me over his spectacles. "Now I know how the Native Americans felt! Fortunately, I am not without me own resources," the leprechaun said as he snapped his fingers.
At once a towering and muscular Yeti appeared out of the woods! The towering Bigfoot picked me up as if I were a doll, and I writhed helpless in his powerful grip.
"You see, laddie," explained the leprechaun, "all of us imaginary and mythical creatures belong to the same union!" The leprechaun grinned as the Yeti body-slammed me to the forest floor. I awoke sometime later to find my wallet missing and a shamrock pinned neatly to my chest.
Limping back into town, I would later nurse my injuries with a green beer at the local pub. There sitting at a corner table was the leprechaun and his gigantic Yeti friend! The leprechaun hoisted a mug of beer at me as the Yeti ate corned beef and cabbage. "This party is at your expense!," said the small green man cheerily. "And don't bother to call the authorities," he added. "Only you can see us!" The Yeti laughed deeply in his chest at that, almost choking on his corned beef.
I lowered my head into my palms, vowing next month not to run afoul of the Easter Rabbit...
Urban Myths • Opuss № I