7 August 2012

I

It was Thursday. I was standing in front of the big window in my living room watching the rain.

I was looking at my garden for at least fifteen minutes. I paid a fortune for a team of high-qualified gardeners to make my garden look gorgeous. Now it was half-finished, looking half-gorgeous, but somehow I wasn’'t happy.

Honestly, I felt empty. I *was* empty. I had no plans.

I finished university a year ago and told my parents that I’'m taking some time off before getting a job. They didn'’t care. ‘Do whatever you’'d like to do, sweetheart’, they said.

We never had a close relationship. They paid for nannies to look after me and later they sent me in boarding schools, so they could do their own things how and when they wanted to.

I actually didn’'t mind. I enjoyed being independent.

I grew up in London. My parents moved to Dorset about 4 years ago, but I stayed. My dad bought me an expensive flat in the centre.

I was leading a good, happy life... until this afternoon.

I went out last night with my girls and had a good time. I woke up late in the afternoon with a bit of headache. Then it hit me. The emptiness that unexpectedly filled me hit me so hard that I could hardly breathe. I didn’'t know why now and where it came from, but it did and I was scared.

Standing by the window, watching the rain I tried to think. What’'s the matter with me?

I always lived for today. I didn’'t give a damn about the future, but now I felt that I can’'t do it anymore. I can’'t keep living this way. There was nothing I lived for.

I got a pretty bank account for my fourteenth birthday. I had cleaners, gardeners, delivery men. I had people who did everything for me. And suddenly I was fed up. I was bored. I was angry.

I wanted to change my life. I wanted goals.

Finally, I stepped away from the window and went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Then I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, and sat down.

I made a list and I was determined to stick to it. But an evil voice said in my head: you’'re not strong enough to make it happen.

We’'ll see, I answered.

II

Next morning the first thing I did was calling the head-gardener. I thanked him all of their hard work and told him they don’'t have to come again. He was confused. Poor chap started worrying they did something wrong, that’'s why I wanted to fire them. I explained him politely that I wasn’'t firing them. I paid for their work in advance and they could keep the money, of course.

I also tried to explain that the reason I don’'t need them anymore is that I want to finish my own garden. The man got even more confused.

Our conversation didn’'t end well. I got upset and said that it’'s my garden and my decision.

My voice was rude and I felt bad after hanging up.

I waited some minutes to calm down before calling the cleaners. The lady I talked with seemed as confused as the head-gardener, but she was an easier case. I remained polite, so did she.

It was a simple call. She didn’'t ask for reasons. I suggested an amount of money they would get for leaving immediately and she accepted it without a bad word.

I was surprised, but happy.

I had been hiring an agency who arranged my shopping. They also made sure my bills were paid in time. I cancelled it online. I thought it’'s done, too, but it wasn'’t. The company called me five minutes later. I was on the phone with a really tiring man for half an hour. They didn'’t want to accept the fact that I wanted to manage my tasks on my own. He kept talking and tried to convince me to change my mind. Gosh, he was irritating.

I had enough and said that I will pay a certain amount of money if they are willing to leave me alone. We had a contract which didn'’t expire until the end of the year. It was June. I finally had plans and I wanted them to happen in the near future. I didn’'t mind paying. I was used to sort things out like this.

The man said he had to discuss it with his boss. He did and called me back only two minutes later and I wasn’'t under contract with them anymore. Money can convince people quite quickly. How disgusting!

I ticked the first three things on my list. I felt happy and strong, but deep inside me I knew the hard bit is just coming.

III

My fridge was empty, so I went shopping on Saturday. I tried to think what I’'ll need and wrote a list.

I had never done shopping in a supermarket in my life. I had never bought food, apart from some meals in restaurants, but I believed that didn’'t really count. At the age of 23 I felt really ashamed.

I became nervous when I entered our local Tesco branch. I pushed the trolley slowly. I was holding my list tight in my hand.

I had never used my kitchen for cooking. Actually I had never cooked. Not even a single meal. I decided from now I will do it. Can’'t be too complicated, can it?

I walked slowly from aisle to aisle looking at the shelves carefully. My shopping list was useless. I figured it out as soon as I saw some milk. I totally missed it from my list. I felt so stupid, so lost. But I made my decision, so I needed to keep going.

Probably I bought a lot of things I will never use, but I was proud of myself when I loaded my fridge and cupboards. Now I had a proper kitchen.

I ticked another point on my list, and then I went to the nearest bookshop. I spent nearly an hour there. I bought five cookery books and seven gardening books.

Smiling I ticked two more things on the list.

I made a cup of tea and next I sat down with my books and started reading. The problem was that I was never keen on reading. I had never finished a single book before.

Firstly, I looked through the cookery books. I found a tempting picture of a plate of salad. I thought it wouldn'’t be too hard to begin with.

Luckily I had all the ingredients I needed. The salad was perfect. It gave me encouragement.

I moved on to the gardening books while I was eating. Gosh, they were incredibly boring. I couldn’'t even finish a chapter.

I gave up reading which made me cry. After a good hour crying I forced myself to read at least one gardening book properly. And I did. Then I read another book. Surprisingly some chapters caught my whole attention.

I spent half Sunday with cooking and baking. I had to throw half of my trials away, but I still could have fed the whole road.

Some dish was easy and some was difficult. Some was undercooked and some was overcooked. Two kitchen towels caught fire, but I had to admit I was enjoying it.

I spent the other half of the day with planning my garden.

By the evening I thought I had a successful day. I hadn’'t felt this way since I finished uni. And I had more things ticked on my list.

IV

On Monday I got up at eight o’'clock. I hadn't ’got out of bed this early for a year. I had a shower and had breakfast, and then I spent the whole day in the garden. I was trying to finish it.

I had the experts’' plan and my plan plus I had all stuff for it in the shed. The only problem was that I wasn’'t prepared. I didn’'t know what I thought how easy or difficult it’'s going to be, but hell, it was so complicated. I wasn’'t a trained gardener. I wasn’'t even a hobby-gardener. Besides, some stuff was so heavy that I could hardly carry.

I was dirty and sweaty. I felt horrible. Of course I ended up crying. I needed time to calm down. I kept saying to myself that I AM STRONG, I CAN DO IT. When I started to believe it, I carried on working.

There was no way I could finish my garden during one day. The gardeners had been working for a month and it was half-finished, so I said to myself: don’'t worry, you just need a little bit more time.

I was standing under the shower until tiredness attacked me. As soon as I lied down in my bed, I fell asleep.

V

It was hard to get up at eight again, but I did. I had to.

I had different plans for Tuesday than working on the garden. I rearranged my living room. I moved all furniture to a different place. The sofa almost got me. It was so stubborn, it didn’'t want to move. Not even a centimetre. Well, I was more stubborn and I won.

After that I started cleaning. I didn’'t really know how to start. I thought of common sense, so I dusted my new-looking living room before hovering.

Next I cleaned the kitchen. Now that wasn’'t fun at all. I did a big mess at the weekend. I shouldn’'t have left dirty plates, glasses and dishes there. I loaded the dishwasher twice, but there were still a lot of stuff waiting for me to wash them up.

No fun at all!

I was cleaning the fridge when I heard the doorbell. I froze, surprised. I wasn’'t expecting anyone.

Doorbell again.

I went to open the door curiously. Hannah, my best friend was waiting for me impatiently to let her in.

'‘Are you deaf...’' she started yelling, but as soon as she looked at me, she muted. Her eyes opened wildly.

She had never seen me like this. I was wearing a dirty old grey tracksuit (I had no idea how I could find it in my wardrobe) and I had yellow rubber gloves on.

'‘What the hell...’' she started yelling again as she made her way in.

She stopped in the kitchen. Although I was cleaning for a couple of hours, it still looked messy.

'‘What the hell are you doing?’' Hannah kept yelling.

'‘Cleaning’' I said.

Her face looked confused. She looked as if she couldn’'t understand what I just said.

'‘Cleaning?’' she stared at me. I didn’'t like it.

'‘Yes’' I nodded confidently. '‘See, you’'ve come and learnt a new word.’'

'‘Cleaning’' she repeated again looking around. '‘I called you on Saturday.’'

'‘My phone has been switched off.’' I took the rubber gloves off. '‘I’'ve been busy.’'

'‘With cleaning’' she looked at me as if I lost my mind.

I nodded.

'‘Why the hell are you cleaning? Haven’'t you got people to do it?’' She went to the living room and stopped again. She looked more confused.

I wished she hand'’t come. I knew she would protest.

'‘What the hell happened here?’' Her voic

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