8 March 2013
So on the advice of one who wrote a poem so beautiful that it is worthy of daily prayer (@sarahgamal, "Namaste"), I will set a few blogs to explain where I am.
My marriage of 15 years has failed though it has not yet been dissolved. I, due to the circumstances is my formative years, have little capacity to feel love. Like a blind persons inability to see light, I feel no love. What ever part of the brain controls this function is mis-wired. Not enough serotonin. Not enough dopamine. And probably some oxytocin malfunction. I believe is suffer from an attachment disorder. Google Attachment Theory. I've had a fractured life. Beyond that, therapy and medications. And I'm tired of it. I'm close to a decision. A dread decision. A permanent, irrevocable decision. I am quite sure, being the deep thinker, and student of the psyche, that I have no capacity to feel love - and not since my earliest memories. In the absence of feeling love, in the absence of a cure after 25 years sincere pursuit - I reach this crossroads. And so easy and painless (for me, anyway.)
I have very much to give to others in life, so I've been reassured. I have no capacity to receive. Such is my darkness. Please respond. I do NOT wish to be hospitalized.
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