26 March 2012
As per their weekly schedule John and his wife made love on Sunday night, her head was full of Him and this fantasy blanked out Johns routine, mechanical efforts, replacing them with an imagined display of virtuoso sensuality. Lost in His lovecraft, she suddenly realised the slightly dizzying sensations that stretched out from her loins were the vague flickerings of an orgasm. She'd always assumed it was another one of the of those things she was unable to do, like fall pregnant, read maps or work the remote control. This list of failure, was John's favourite source of reference for put downs and snipes, she felt its grey, physiological presence at all times. This ripple of pleasure gave her the idea, the hope, that she could remove other items from the list. She asked John to make love to her again, but he said no, pulled a face something like disgust and went to the bathroom to shower.
The sound of the front door closing woke her to an empty bed, John had left for work earlier than usual and without saying goodbye. She sat on the edge of the bed and cried. As much as the last few months had been exciting, and that she had achieved so much for her self, she had the feeling it was all at the expense of her marriage. She had been selfish, silly and disloyal, if only in thought. Perhaps John was right, his failures were down to her. Perhaps she could have been a better wife, somehow, more supportive, obedient, less wilful. She considered leaving her job, the job she loved. Maybe things could go back to the way they were before.
She thought about before, about the last ten years, and realised there were no ten years, just a void, she had switched off any real emotion in exchange for a sensible life, devoted to the acquisition and nurturing of money and property. What was the exchange rate, interest earned, long term yield for ten years of a life, she was sure John would have a spreadsheet that could give her and answer to a choice of decimal places. He had looked at her with disgust, for a display of emotion, a moment of passion, her mind had been else where but it was John she wanted at that moment. It didn't compute for him, his world had become to-dos to be done, inputs to be output, if he had ever considered her a profit centre she was sure he now thought of her as a long term liability. A rogue trader at the heart of his tiny, crumbling financial empire. She had given John ten years of her life, trusted his judgment, supported him completely, kept him clean and fed, made a home that both of them could be proud of. How had he repaid for her lonely, thankless efforts? He had turned himself into a colossal prick. And that was that.
As to what she going to do about all this, she had no idea. For years she'd been dead to the world, but now her emotions were back in full working order and firing on all cylinders. She had to face the fact that she was quite overwhelmed. This, however, was not the time to be overwhelmed, it was time for work and time to ask some hard questions. She washed quickly, dressed and left for the train, maybe this morning would bring her some answers.
The Sensible Girl - Part 2 • Opuss № I