22 January 2013
I'm going to open up like a book just this once, just this ONCE! --------------------
Okay, I have tried so hard to conceal my past. Yet, it keep on spouting out. People wanting to understand where I am coming from.
It all started when I was 3. My mother had to force my father out of our home cause of his cheating ways. I vaguely remember small spending time with my dad. My mother tell me I used to be Daddy's Little Princess. It ended abruptly. I was raised by my mother alone, but of course she dated few bad guys in her life after my father. Let me back up little bit, when my mother had to force my father out of our home, she finally broke down, and hospitalized herself, for 4 whole months. Now, my father was suppose to watch me during that time, (my mother only wanted divorces, not to shun him out of my life, she actually want him to be there for my growing up.) but he didn't, he simply ran off with another woman and left me all alone with my sick and depraved cousin who did unspeakable things to me and I just turned 4 at that time.
Also my mother was roommates with depraved old man. Once my aunt caught him in bath with me, naked. I was only 4 as well. My aunt took me away and cared for me until my mother got well mentally.
She met a guy with schizophrenia disorder. He became a dad to me, but still did weirdest thing with me. For 6 years I thought he was my real dad. Until out of blue, my real dad stopped by with a new family of his when I was 8, and told my other 'dad' "Now you are the man of this house, you are the father of Jamie, I give her to you." imagine how I felt when I read his lips saying that? I was so heartbroken to find that guy who I thought was my dad is not my real dad, but my real dad is giving me away... It hurt more than anything in world. All that hurt went away from the moment I saw my baby half sister, who was only a year old. I held her in my arms, and I felt the moment of world's happiness.
Now, this family I grew up in for few years are Christian, yet my other 'dad' did weird thing with me, I never told anyone about what cousin and that old man did to me, plus other dad. We been going to sunday church, and i always runs up to altar, crying when they did this show where Jesus were being crucified to the cross. I would run up to altar, screaming and crying "No, please save Jesus, he did nothing wrong." I was only 6, 7, 8 and 9 years old. (They do this show every year during Christmas). Finally my mother met another guy who is deaf, like me. She fell hard for him, left the richest living we could have, to be with him.
What we didn't realized was he is most sickest man, he abused my mother so bad in front of me, he would take me to his room and locked me up alone with him, did unspeakable things with me, he even forced my mom to kill herself, by shoving medicines down her throat, then called 911 on her. This been going on for next 5 years. Meanwhile all that, I suffered hazing and bullying at school. Peers would call me fat, ugly, four-eyes geek. They would also abuse me in unimaginable way. I used to be big chested girl. I used to have triple E as cup size for bra at age 16, that was when I had breast reduction surgery.
I also learned that I liked girl at very early age. Yet, I still try my hardest to be normal by dating guys, they have violated me as well. Soon, I searched for love in wrong way, and soon I earned reputation of 'Queen of One Night Stand' all because I want to fit in. All because Christian people were feeding my head that homosexual is bad, that we all will go hell for it. I was scared.
Let me back up little bit again. Remember I was telling you about horrible deaf dude did this to us, well he also brainwashed me to hate my mother, to think she have cooties, I hate to get kiss from my mother or any of family. In fact I hated to be touched even just a tap on shoulder. I winces about it. One day, he finally took me away to runaway teen shelter. I was put in foster home from there. He called on my mother to put her in jail for abusing me. (yes my mother did hit me, abuse me but she is bi polar, and she tried her hardest to be good mother.) While I was in foster home, my foster mom hated my real mother, but because she didn't understand my mother as I do. My mother had rough upbringing. Her mother died when she was 12. Her father was rotten dad, he would beat the hell out of her.
For a year and half, my mother struggled to get me back via court. I finally stepped in and said I want my mother. But before that, my foster mom did meet deaf guy, he came by for a visit too often, my foster mom saw that was fishy, she suspected and told him to get out for good, never to bother us, and he never did. I never told anyone about this until now. When I finally went back living with mom,. Rough upbringing started again bit later, all cause my mother got lonely, and fell into wrong crowd, got trapped in their lies. Did the drugs with minor which happened to be my ex boyfriend. I knew that families was a devil worshipper, I had this alarming flashing going off big time inside me. I warned my mother about them. She didn't listen to me, ended up a big trouble for herself, which landed her in prison for a year. I was 17 that time. I lost my mother, I had to go live with my dad who never was there during my growing up. But best thing about it was I get to live with my baby sister. (I did get to see my dad and sister few time growing up, my mom and I did live with my dad and my baby sister for while, my dad had full custody of my baby sister- she and I are tightest best friend sister).
Well, the day my mom came to visit me at school (I live at school during weekdays and live at home on weekends) it was her last day visiting me before going off to prison. At the moment she said good byes and walked away from me, I just finally broke down and asked God, why?
Now, all those upbringing, I been going to church, read the bibles, (even school have church night on Wednesday with parents permission). I listen to other people saying awful things about nice people who try to follow God's path as best as they could. Their righteous preaching gotten under my skin, into my heart. I was so scared, and guess what. When my mother ended up in prison, I turned my back to God, and fell deepest into darkness as I could. I was spiraling down really fast. I hooked up with a girl as girlfriend. For first 2 months, it was already falling apart, she cheated on me, abused me so bad. I still have some scars from her on my body. (not all of them, most of them are by me, myself and I.) then for the rest of 5 years it was HELL. Straight to HELL
Now, mind you. I have special ability. I can see what others cannot. The first night I kissed this girl, I foresaw EVERYTHING what would happens, in every details in under a min. All in flashes. And yet, I ignored it. I warned my mother of those devil families, she ignored me. One night, my mother was driving, and we came up to stoplight, it was red then green- my mother was about to go, I told my mother to wait, I had a feeling. In next 5 to 10 seconds, speeding car went by, chased by few police cars. Now, if I didn't warned her, we would be goner. I was 7 at that time. Yeah, few years back, I told my mother to find out what happening to my Uncle Joe, (he lives in Texas as that time and I in New York) my mother said he's fine, she even got picture from one of my cousin, uncle joe's daughter. He was looking happy and healthy, I said to my mother sadly, he not going to be fine within 2 months. Yeah, two months later, he was in hospital, everything inside him was failing him. He struggled to hang on until I come to visit him. He finally died a week or so after I left. They all were shocked. But I knew. Oh yeah my mother always tell everyone this story, where they had HARDEST time to hide presents from me. No matter how they wrap it, soft clothing in big boxes, heavy rocks blah blah. I ALWAYS knew. Just always. Plus, I scared away my mother's best friend, cause she asked me to do her reading, and I just looked deeply into her eyes, told her everything that NO ONE COULD EVER KNOWN. But only God. And she is pagan.
You see, I read all bibles and went to all kind of churches, even mormon's. There are too many stories running around. God came to me in my dream when I was very young, 7 to be exact. He told me to help others who fall into darkness, he told me sadly that I, myself will experiences such thing as darkness. But I will also have good experiences and will be able to use my experiences to help others, to pull them out of hole. But I was also told, I must first pull myself out of this hole.
-Sighs-
Now, back to hole I was in, as I said I was so lost when my mother finally was holed up in prison. I strayed off so bad, far away from God, furtherest as I can. I was in dark for about 14 years. I finally saw the light 2 years ago, and that is with my current girlfriend. Her family are strictly christian people. Her mother still have problem with her lifestyle as lesbianism. But her father is pastor, and he is gentle, kindest man I ever met.
My mother finally cleaned up about 15 years ago, met a good man who will support her. They haven't gotten married, cause this guy doesn't believe in marriage. About 2 years ago, my mother and I finally sat down and had a longest talk, we broke down together, cried together and forgave each other. I still love my mother, I love God, and I thank him everyday for leading me back to him, I thank him everyday for leading me to my current girlfriend. I talk to him by praying, I stopped reading bible, but never stopped talking to God. My mother is trying to walk in God's path right now since 16 years (she started reading bible in prison same time I stopped.)
As for harming myself, I'm still struggling with that, I still do have lowest self esteem. Due to my past upbringing. (mind you, I wasn't pretty girl back then, used to have
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