6 November 2012
~Warning: ranty and a bit sweary~
It should have been my graduation today. I should have been there, with the rest of my group and all the other teaching students, in the Cathedral. It should have been a little moment to be proud of. But I couldn't bring myself to go without him. The rest of the group would have been there, all false care and fake smiles, asking how I'm doing but not really caring, eager to rub the salt of their success into the open wound of my life. Yes, I passed the course too, I did it. But since then everything has been such a mess. And I just know I would be on the receiving end of tilted-head sympathy, everyone asking about him. Have I spoken to him, what is he up to, how am I coping. It's the last thing I could have dealt with, having to smile and pretend I'm fine when I'm not. Not even close. Then there are those in the group who don't approve of how Johnny and I conducted our personal life, not that it is anyone's business but ours. They would cough, turn away, whisper to each other. I know what they think of me; slut. Him; home wrecker. But they only know a snippet of the story, an outsiders perspective. They don't know the shit that life had handed us both by the plateful and expected us to swallow. They don't understand how we both needed an escape, a person who actually understood and cared. They don't, and never will, understand how we never meant to fall love under such inconvenient circumstances. But they judge us anyway, the rebels, the walking disasters, always smelling like cigs and last night's booze, illicit sex spread all over our expressions. Well fuck them. I don't want to be approved by such sycophants. So I'll get my certificate in the post and I'll graduate at home, a bottle in one hand and a phone in the other, and I'll celebrate with the one person who's opinion matters. It should have been my graduation and I'm glad I wasn't there.
Graduation • Opuss № I