23 June 2012
It's becoming real,
That shadow of a fear,
Setting in, settling,
Finding a place in my heart,
In which to nestle
And spreading through my veins,
Crawling across my skin
To the ends of my fingertips,
Drowning joy, hope and happiness, indiscriminately,
Tearing out little pieces of me,
Scattering them in the breeze,
So I'll never be whole, complete.
Fear and desperation, longing,
Knowing that soon it will be all I'll have,
Alongside a memory of feeling light, alive, unbound;
A hushed I love you
Whispered in the dark, when drunk.
The months have turned to weeks, days,
And the fear had grown
Into a giant, loathsome creature,
Capable of overthrowing all I am,
Stopping me from becoming
Everything I can.
So break my bones, bruise my satin skin,
With your soft fingertips.
Punch rivets through me with your words,
Nail me to the wall and lash me,
Until I bleed out all the pain, fear, suffering,
All these thoughts of how
I'll never be myself again,
As I sit in the places you used to be,
See your shape still in the chair, glass in hand,
The outline of your frame imprinted in my mind.
A tall stranger, the image of you,
Makes me turn, lump in my throat,
Heartbeat misfires when for a moment
I see you, then the pain returns anew,
Knowing its my overwrought mind
Playing games, trying to suffocate and
Extinguish any remnants of a flame, of life,
As I try to slowly, day by day,
To return to a semblance of normality,
My former life, before you
Came and shook the frame
Jumbling my affections, priorities,
And rearranging my life with a careless
Brush of your lips against mine,
Taking me apart, gear by gear,
From the inside out.
And now, the intoxicating fear continues to grow,
Like a tumour, paralysing,
I almost want to fill my lungs with it,
Accept it, revel in the hopeless black abyss,
Because when you go, finally,
You might as well euthanise me,
Put me to sleep, quietly, by telling me;
Yes, you do love me, but we can never be.
Untitled 23.06.12 • Opuss № I