Banana Girls

(Who likes oranges anyhow, Bananas are much more fun.)

​
Extract from the diary of Evangeline St Croix ( me! )

Day One ( New term! Old teachers! Bleah! )

It happened again today. Oops.
Introductions. I am Evangeline St Croix,
friends call me Evi,
I was fifteen last November the twenty-third, and until recently
considered myself to be an entirely normal teenage girl.
There.
It happened again today. I noticed when I was with the others, I've sort noticed it for a year now, but it really hit me today. We were on our way home, Monet starting chatting about this boy, Jono, who she really fancies. She started getting really hyped about him going on about his 'body' and stuff. It all seemed so silly, but the others were all lapping it up, you know all "oh yeah" and "he's gorgeous" all the usual stuff. I suddenly realized I didn't care much about what Monet was saying. I wonder why. Everyone else seems to be getting really interested in boys recently, I wonder why I'm not. Oh well, I guess I'm one of those 'late developers' you know, not as grown up as the other girls. Still, it's only the first day of term, guess I'll figure it out soon enough. That's kind of why I started this diary, to figure out my feelings and stuff. It seemed like a good idea..........Its on computer disk so I can hide it. I don't really other people to find this stuff out. Makes me wonder why I put my introduction at the top. 'Spose it has something to do with vanity or ego. Whatever. Anything else happen today..............Oh yeah, there's a new girl in class, her names Paige Clementine, she seems a bit shy, but guess what! I saw her reading "Harriet the Spy", I know its a kid's book, but its just about my favorite story of all time! I guess we've got a lot in common, she'd be a really cool friend. Tomorrow I'll go and talk with her, she could probably do with a few new friends. She has really sad eyes.

Day Two ( New friends! More trouble! )

I spoke to Paige today. I was right! She loves Harriet too! She was still a bit shy though, but I guess that's just because it's a new school and stuff. Monet says that she and Jono are going out now. I 'spose that's cool, but I can't say I really care. I don't get what she sees in him. He's all angles, no soft shapes, he looks like a box with limbs and a head. Still, the other girls all think he's gorgeous. Some even say he's sexy. Like they'd know anything about that anyhow. Sheesh. Monet said she can't come out shopping this weekend. Her and Jono are going to "go for a romantic dinner". Yeah, right, McDonalds and a walk in the park is more like it. She can get so up tight sometimes. Paige got in trouble today, she fell over at lunch and tore her tights, it was pointless to keep them on, so she took them off, when we got into class the Sister teaching us made her stand on her chair. Then she went on about " encouraging improper thinking" and how boys would think she was a " Hussy, only after only one thing". Paige nearly cried, but I managed to pull a face at the Sisters back, Paige saw it and managed to stifle a grin. Supergirl I may not be, but I can still stand for truth, justice and doughnuts, especially jelly ones. What is a hussy anyhow. Anyhow, later on we both got in trouble for passing notes. I was just asking Paige if she wanted to go shopping on Saturday. It's cool though, we got of with a light lecture on obedience and a warning. Guess the Sisters don't want to deal any detentions this early in the term. So Paige is coming on Saturday instead of Monet. Some best friend she is, I've known her since grade school and then she drops everything for this Jono guy. Hate him.


Chapter one ( A visit to the grocery store )


The next day I went into school as usual. Actually that's not strictly true. I went to wait for Monet at the corner of the street, by the drugstore. I waited ten minutes. No Monet. Another ten, still no Monet. I was gonna be sooooo late. I dashed across the street and the bus just missed me as it pulled away. Missed me by about two inches, jeez, don't the drivers look! The lardass driver flipped me the finger. What's a girl to do but flip it right back. Anyway, I had to catch the subway, not my favorite means of transport across this fair and pleasant city some had the sense of humor to name 'New' York. The subways about as new as my grandpa's teeth, and about as yellow. Still its faster than the bus and I can still make it on time if I catch it. Anyway there I am waiting for the train, when this girl and what I think is her boyfriend start pashing right there on the platform. Jeez Louise, don't these people have a sense of privacy? I want to see that stuff I'll go rent the movie. Any how, I'm about to turn away, when it, like, hits me that that's not her boyfriend. Guys don't generally wear lip-gloss and mascara, at least not without a moustache and tight leather pants. Its another woman see, there are two women getting it on like Thelma and Louise in the middle of the New York Subway. I just stopped still. I couldn't look away, but not like its a car wreck, or like the old woman standing next to me who just glares at them. Its like.......curiosity, wondering why they do it, and to be honest how they do 'it' , and then I realize that one of them has seen me. She taps the other one and they stop. They look at me and grin sheepishly, like a little kid caught with the cookie jar. No regrets or shame, just , you know "oops, sorry" and not really sorry 'cept that they got caught. For a minute I wished they hadn't stopped, that I'd like to ask them about......you know, what they do. Then I caught myself. A chill went down my back, and I pushed onto the train, not looking at them and trying not to feel the ache that seemed to come from nowhere. God, I'm too young for that crap. It’s not right. The sisters tell us, heck, even my mom turns of the radio when K.d Lang comes on, telling me “It’s not natural to love your own kind, its dirty". Up until that moment, when I saw how happy those two women were I had agreed with her. Now....I wasn't so sure. I thought about school, thinking of a bunch of nuns with rulers was bound to kill any sinful thoughts I was having. I thought about class yesterday, about pulling faces and about Paige’s stifled grin. I wonder why the ache only got worse?
When I got to school Monet was sitting on the steps, squeezed in between Jono and some other girls. She looked vaguely uncomfortable. Serves her right if she'd rather come to school with that jerk, than me her oldest friend. Paige was walking up the steps, books under her arm. She her hair tucked up under a hat, seemed a shame really, she had such nice hair. I wished I had hair like that, the same color as Monet's only lighter, sort of blondish really. I caught up with her just as the bell went. She laughed as I grabbed her hat and ruffled her hair. She was really starting to cheer up now. Super Evi to the rescue. 'Cept Paige doesn't call me Evi. She calls me Angel. If only she knew how ironic that was. After today I was liable to be the only angel in hell. The rest of the day was fairly normal. I didn't see Paige until lunch, she had ballet class while I was in English lessons listening to some crap about " the merits of Jane Eyre as a pre-twentieth century English novel" Bunch of crap. This is the nineties. What do I care about some dumb girl who wasn't even real to begin with, let alone with this fictional autobiography about her confused and repressed emotions. Jeez, her best friend dies, what kind of a novel is that. Next lesson I'll sneak in Harriet, I might have read it before, but its a damn sight more interesting than Jane Eyre. Paige was cheerful, her lesson had gone well, she had been picked for the school production next week and was sooo happy. Her face seemed to light up like a pinball machine when you score a bonus as she smiled. I smiled back. I guess I liked to see her smile. She danced all lunch while I sat and watched. She was a beautiful dancer, spinning and turning gracefully with her hair behind her. She had the sun behind her and in silhouette I saw how she looked like a music box, you know, like the one your mom keeps her best stuff in, the plastic pearls she makes out are the real ones when you know she too scared to keep the real ones somewhere that open. The ones with the little ballerina turning around on their long, long legs to a half remembered tune. Paige had legs like that, perfect legs, like they were from a factory that specializes in making perfect bodies for perfect people. The bell for lessons rang. I check my schedule. The next lesson was Sex Ed. I knew my mother wouldn't approve so I had faked her signature on the reply slip. I put the timetable back in my pocket and realized with a confused sense of hot and cold that, as I watched Paige dancing, the ache had returned. It was much stronger this time. Parts of my body were chilled as if I had Goosebumps, others seemed to burn as if I had spilt my hair dye on my skin. I felt sick and happy at the same time. This was strange. I thought about cutting class. Paige took my hand in a bow and we walked to class. I Suddenly aware of my breasts, hot under my clothes. Up until now they had been nothing more than an annoyance, another complication along with menstruation that had only made clothes harder to buy and running a lot harder to do. That's what it was like. The ache. It was like the joggers high I get when I run. God, how I wanted to run then. To forget all the confusion and just surrender myself to speed, the wind in my hair, the ground at my feet. When I opened my eyes again I was in class. Talk about having my head in the clouds. I had been sitting there for ten minutes. Monet had her hand in the air. "excuse me, sister, I have a question, what's an orgasm?" the sister frowned. Monet was winding her up. She knew what an orgasm was. It was her that had told me. She had even told me that she had masturbated once. I thought it was disgusting, but looking back now I realized how trust she had in me to tell me this about herself. For a moment I missed her, missed the way she would comb my hair at sleepovers, missed her little chats, then I heard Paige shift in her seat next to me. Her hand brushed my leg accidentally. The ache flared up a little. The sister answered " You need not concern yourself with that concept Miss Grey, the purpose of sexual intercourse is to bring about the creation of a child, of a new and precious life, not for physical gratification, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a sinful person" and that would have been it if it were not for Paige who piped up just then. " But miss, why do girls have a clitoris for?" The class went silent. Never mind a pin, a speck of dust could not have dropped in that room without making a sound like a thunderbolt. The sister went red. Paige looked afraid. I didn't know what to do. Paige looked at me. I winked and flashed a reassuring grin briefly. The sister spoke up. " Well, you seem to be well studied in anatomy to be able to identify such a small part. One so small that it is nowhere in our text books. Would you like to come outside Miss Clementine". Paige stood up and waited outside until class was dismissed. Then the sister took her to the mother superior's room. It was an interesting tactic on the part of the teacher. Denying even the existence of , well the thing that Paige had said, but I felt sort of proud that Paige was finally more extroverted, then guilt because of what had happened. Why the hell can't I ever feel just one simple thing without getting confused. Paige slipped me a note as I passed her in the hall. I wasn't to wait for her, she had a major-league detention, and it was only because she was normally so well behaved that they hadn't taken her out of the school ballet. I went home and dumped my school bag. I sat on my bed, holding my head in my hands. I pulled off my hot restraining clothes and looked at myself in the mirror. For the first time ever I wasn't embarrassed about what I saw. For the first time I actually considered myself attractive. The front door slammed and I scrambled into my underwear. My mother popped her head round the door and frowned. "Getting changed dear?2 she asked. I nodded. If only she knew what I was changing into. If only I knew. I grabbed my gym bag, pulling out of the closet. Maybe I should have got in there in its place, I don't know. I pulled on my sneakers and went down to Battery Park.

Chapter Two ( Come Mr. Tally man come Tally me Banana )

I ran until the sun set over the city. If you run, you sweat, so there is no moisture left for tears. I was not going to cry, not because I was afraid, alone, confused, I was not going to cry.....not going to cry.... not going to cry. The sweat dripped down my forehead, past my nose where it mixed with the tears that flowed from my eyes. Eyes that looked at the people around me. It seemed everywhere I looked there was another pair of women, like the ones on the subway. No regrets. I probably imagined it. So confused. The joggers high came and went. It was not as nice as the burning want I had felt earlier. But sex was not for pleasure, and those that told me otherwise were sinful. It was wrong. The only Angel in Hell. Evangeline. Evil Angel. But........no regrets. I went home and cried myself to sleep. The next day was Saturday.

Chapter Three ( Bananas are smooth and soft, curved, not straight)

I met Paige in the Mall at eleven thirty, having spent the morning watching cartoons, trying to catch the childhood innocence I felt was slipping through my fingers. Paige was cheerful as ever. That Pinball smile lighting up as we went through the clothing store. We bought hats and sunglasses, belts and bags, I threw myself into splurging my allowance on accessories. If I was going to be a ......lesbian, I was going to be the best dressed one ever. My heart skipped beat when we reached the underwear section of the fashion store. Paige grabbed couple of bras and held them up one by one in the mirror. Oh God. The ache came back suddenly, spots seemed to flash before my eyes and I felt sick. But I couldn't move. A sensation of happiness was flooding through my body. I suddenly very aware of the soft T-shirt I was wearing. Aware of my Levi's rough texture against my thigh. But also I was aware of Paige’s body too. She smiled. Pinball. Oh God.
She span around on her long legs. Oh God.
"What about on you?" she said and held the underwear against me, her hand on my left breast while the other smoothed the fabric over my right. Oh my God.
I felt like I was going to die. Then she pulled away and I wished I was dying again.
After that shopping trip, I felt justified in taking the next few days off school. What was happening to me.

Chapter Four ( Some people like bruised Bananas )

None of my lessons involved Paige on the Wednesday I went back. She was rehearsing for the production. I waited after school, but all I got was a grin and a wave as she skipped to the auditorium. She gave me a ticket to the ballet. Oh God. What was I supposed to do, go to the ballet, knowing that through every moment my feelings would be in turmoil, knowing that the ache would consume my body as it had when Paige had danced before? Or was I to run away from my feelings and do what everyone says was right. No. I know that I'm not like the others, I don't like boys. Its like.. fruit. Oranges are rough skinned, simple squat shapes. Under the skin is the sharp acid flavor. I never cared much for oranges, and now I don't like boys. I'm like a Banana, smooth, elegant, soft on the inside. And considered to be a bit odd. God, I must be going insane. Bananas. I can be a banana angel in hell. For a moment I laughed. Then I remembered. I was going to have to tell Paige what I felt. I could trust her, and maybe she had felt something to. Maybe that's why she danced for me. I decided to go to the ballet that evening.
I arrived on time and got a seat near the front. I didn't much like ballet, I was a runner not a dancer, but this was Paige’s big night. I had to be there for her. It was about as boring as I thought it would be. Except for when Paige came onto the stage. She was graceful and athletic at the same time. Her soft body twisted and turned in elegant spirals. I was lost caught in that reverie of her movement. The look of concentration on her face was exquisite. Her long legs arched out beneath her as she danced. The ache came back, almost as strong as it had been at Paige’s touch in the shop. My skin felt as though it was on fire, I was again incredibly aware of my breasts. My legs felt heavy. The ache seemed to center in my abdomen, fire throughout my soul. I watched Paige and became aware of her body to, not at how graceful she was or how athletic, but for the first time I felt a pang of actual lust at her lithe figure and small round breasts. I felt guilty as I remembered where I was and what I was thinking. I looked at the sisters sitting around the hall. Surely they had seen the way I looked at Paige, surely they knew. I felt alone and afraid. Then I was distracted. Paige had fallen. I held my breath as she limped from the stage. The curtain fell at the end of the show and I ran to the stage door. Paige was sitting, forlorn to one side, so elegant in her dress, like a fallen angel. I ran up to her. She brushed away the tears and smiled at me. "You came, I'm so glad" she said, breathless with tears. I was breathless for entirely different reasons. The ache had returned like a fire in my body. I told her how brilliant her dancing was. She laughed and began to change out of her dress. It dropped to the floor. The ache went up a notch. I noticed her leg was bruised. She sat down and began to unlace her slippers. I reached out and rubbed her damaged legs. The ache was almost a physical pain now, somewhere between agony and pleasure. Paige smiled.
The Pinball smile.
Oh my God.
She pecked me on the check. "Thank you" she said, her breath stirring against my cheek. This was it, I decided in a dream world. I kissed her, full on the lips, like I had seen the couple on the subway do. For a moment she seemed to kiss me back. My hand slid higher on her leg.
Then the magic was gone.
Almost at the same time as Paige ran out of the room crying and screaming, two sisters entered the room. Oh God.
The lecture wasn't as bad at the pain I felt at Paige’s rejection. How could anything hurt so bad. I went through my memory. The Pinball smile. That touch in the fashion store. The kiss. That floating moment between heaven and hell when our lips touched, that fleeting second where she seemed to be enjoying me. The next when she hated me more than anything else on earth. I stood there in front of the mother superiors screaming countenance. Her words were punctuated by the recurring image in my mind of Paige screaming her hatred.
Evil girl.
Hate you.
Unnatural desires.
Hate you.
Expelled from school and doomed to hell.
Hate You.
The moment of touch in the store went through my mind. I liked that feeling. I wanted it more than anything in the world.
Hate.
You.
The couple on the subway.
An image of my mother, telling me off for taking the cookie jar as a child.
No regrets.
I left the office.

Chapter Four ( Like two bananas in a hand)

I got home and pulled off my clothes. Again I looked in the mirror. Tear stained eyes hid my defiant rage. No regrets. I went to my closet and pulled out my running gear. I didn't bother to put my other stuff back in the closet. I went out running as my mom answered the call I know would be from the school or Paige’s mom or someone who wanted to hurt me.
Evil Angel.
No. Not evil, just different.
No less an Angel.
I reached the park and ran for two straight hours. Then I saw another runner ahead. She had hair like Paige’s, only darker, not as blonde. She wasn't graceful as she ran, but her movements were sure and fast. I caught up with her. It was Monet. I had not ran with Monet in almost a year. I didn’t even know she still ran, like I did. For fun. For thinking.
I had not spoken to her in two weeks. I had not really spoken to her in over a month. There were tears in her eyes.
We stopped.
We sat on a bench. Then she told me.
Told me how Jono had been lying to her, how he had been dating other girls, how he had tried to seduce her at the ballet, how she had seen him making out with another girl in the parking lot. How he had hurt her so bad it almost made her want to die. And finally how she was so sorry she had ever gone away from our friendship and how what we were was way more than anything any guy could offer. The ache came back as she hugged me. I told her everything. About Paige. About the ache. About the kiss. About the mother superior. She just looked at me. She smiled, a dark mischievous smile. She was right.
What we had went way beyond what any guy could give her.
I kissed her.
Full on the mouth, but hesitantly.
She looked at me for a moment.
Then she kissed me right back again. My lips parted and I felt the ache rush through my body like water over a fire, it stopped hurting and just felt very, very good. She put her arms around me and I felt free. I could feel it in my mouth and I didn't feel ashamed.
I liked it.

Chapter five ( So I really do prefer Bananas )

It was almost a month later that I saw Paige again. She had gone back to being shy and defensive. She was in the bookstore. I asked her how she was, what she was doing. I didn't expect her to answer, but she did. " I lost my copy of Harriet." she said. I thought for a minute. Then I pulled my own tattered copy out of my bag. I gave it to her. The ache flared a bit when her hand touched mine as she took it, but then I saw Monet just coming into the shop. I knew who I loved, and it wasn't Paige. That was just lust. What I had with Monet was different. "Here" I said " I guess I grew up a bit". Then I went up to Monet and kissed her. Not to prove anything to Paige, but to prove to myself that it was what I wanted. It was. Besides that, I enjoyed it.
Paige was watching us I could feel it. Monet tapped me and we stopped. I looked Paige in the eye.
No regrets.
Paige’s eyes looked confused. She left the store hurriedly clutching Harriet.
Me, I just closed my eyes and kissed Monet.
I felt her arms around me, loving me, wanting me. Her tongue in my mouth, the same. I felt a warm feeling that centered in my stomach and spread upwards. We stopped. Breathless.
Then we kissed again.
After all, you can't have too much of a good thing.


(this is an old story of mine, first written in 1997)