25 November 2012
By Miscellaneous. Snow fell like daggers and the black branches pierced the sky back.
Endle’s words pierced my heart: “I’m leaving, Myr. For good.”
I don’t understand. Why would he leave a place such as this? No, I can understand leaving here. But why would he leave me? I want to ask him that. I want to cry, to wail, and to let him know. But I can’t.
“Can you hear me, Myr? Nod your head. Let me know.”
But I can’t even do that. Are you telling me this only because you know I cannot tell any other? Am I only a thing, in which to vent your feelings, making you feel better, and knowing I will never be able to utter the sounds to let all the secrets I let build up inside of me safe? You never seemed to think that before.
“I know that you heard.”
I peel my eyes from the ground, the sky, the horizon, and force myself to look at him. I try and give him a look that he will not be able to place….something that he will yearn to understand as he leaves. Why leave? The look asks. Why do you not understand that I am in pain too? I want to leave as well? You used to understand me so well, the look says. Why do you not now?
He looks away, and that is an answer to itself. He will not spend the rest of his days in a cold, empty nothing, just to help someone understand the world. Helping the world understand me. Helping me understand that the world does not wish to understand me.
Endle….. I use the symbol that we chose to mean him. But he is not looking at me. He does not see.
Uncomfortable minutes fall into the chasm he has built between us. Why won’t he tell me what’s wrong?
Then, he begins to whisper… I strain to hear the word he almost mouths…… it is the same as mine.
“Why?”
Why • Opuss № I