5 September 2012
Kind of failed doing these, but I assure you when I haven't been posting them I've been reliving them in the places or in my head.
This next memory is one of the most memorable, because of its amazing ability to strike up feelings of extreme happiness but also extreme regret.
One night, in the summer of 2011, a few weeks after Nate told me he was dying, he took me out to dinner as usual. This time though, we were in London, and he took me to my favourite Argentinean in Chelsea, which I still frequent to this day. It's just off Sloane Square, so we went down there and sat on some slightly grotty London bench and watched the night turn black around us. At the moment when the sky reaches its most beautiful evening stage, when it's this deep indescribable shade of blue, he turned and whispered into my ear, telling me to turn and look to my left, from his position on my right. As I did so, I asked what I was supposed to be looking at, but he didn't respond. When he didn't, I turned my head back to stare at him quizzically, and to question his slightly strange demand, but as I did, my face totally sank. Every muscle that was tensed into this questioning look totally relaxed, not in shock or disgust, but in absolute surprise. My lips slowly prised themselves open, and my mouth opened, failing to form the correct words to explain my emotions to him. Before me, on the pathway in front of our bench, he was knelt on one knee, the bottom hem of his suit trousers had risen up to above his ankle, revealing a small area of his perfectly formed and perfectly bronzed leg and his signature Gucci loafers. "I know I don't have a ring, but seeing you tonight just made me think 'What the hell am I playing at? I can't lose this girl'" And despite me trying to convince him that he'd never leave me, he responded with this: "I can't face the prospect of being without you. And as we slept last night I dreamt about that, and it made me jolt awake. I just couldn't face it, and that's when I decided that this was the only way that I could keep you with me forever and ever. Be my wife?" I said yes, but only as an initial thought. I made it clear that I was allowed to change my answer before I had the ring, and that was all agreed. A few days later, we went to St Tropez, and stayed on his family's boat down there. We took it out one day on our own, and of I'm honest, I'd kind of forgotten about being engaged. It was no different to the relationship I'd been in before, so it had slipped my mind. We were sat on the deck at the back on the sun loungers on afternoon, enjoying our view over the St Tropez coastline in the distance, and just as I began to close my eyes and enjoy the feel of the sun against my face, I felt his presence alongside me, so I opened my eyes. He had assumed the same position, down on one knee, the only differences being that he had a box in his hand (egg shell (or Tiffany) blue) and he was wearing very little clothing. As I looked down at his smiling face, teeth and eyes glimmering in the sunlight, it suddenly dawned on me that I wanted to keep him like this. The cancer had seriously complicated our relationship, and I didn't want anything else to do that more. I was happy with what I had, so why would I demand more? "Nate" was all I said as he opened the box, beaming with predicted joy at my response to the diamond ring. But the next thing that I said wasn't expected. "I can't" After asking why, and me explaining, he gave me the cold shoulder, stuffing the ring back into his pocket and heading inside the boat, asking the man driving it to head back to shore. I didn't see him that night, I didn't and still don't know where he went, but he left the ring in the hotel room. I put it on that night, realising that he'd had it fitted exactly to the size of my finger. His attention to detail had been absolutely perfect, and that made me realise that this decision wasn't as sudden as he'd once made it out to be. Sure, we were young, we were foolish, but we really were happy with each other. Back them I couldn't envisage myself being with anyone but him, and now I'm starting to realise that I may never be with someone, because they're not Nate. The next day we flew home, and when we were mid flight, I slipped the ring back onto my finger, and placed that hand on his chest, hoping he'd notice the accessory. But he didn't. It was almost as if the cloud of disappointment had always clouded his vision of it. The only time he noticed it, however, was when he was on his death bed. I'll share that story soon, when I'm feeling incredibly strong. Isn't it ironic though, how he dreamt of losing me and felt he couldn't take it so he had to do something about it, when actually I dream of him every night. Never losing him, but just of him. I've already lost him. There's no worse eventuality that my dreams can make up than what I'm living. Unlike him, I can't do anything about it. He's gone. He'll always be gone. For now and for always. I love you Nate. I'm sorry I didn't say yes when I should have x
A Month Of Memories #8 • Opuss № I