3 May 2012
So I was walking along the street the other day on my way to buy some bagels for lunch, when a giant panda appeared wearing a top hat and carrying a briefcase. He hobbled over to where I stood gawping and licked me on the nose. The panda then preceded to take out a large coat hanger from his briefcase and began hitting me on the head repeatedly with it.
"What are you doing?!" I exclaimed, not thinking that the creature was a panda and should be unable to talk. "You stole the bagels" he said, before stalking off down the street.
After standing agape on the path for a minute or two, I continued my journey to the corner shop. As I rounded the corner, a rather stout man with a moustache covering half his face ran towards me.
"Stop!" he cried as I stared in wonder. "You're the thief!" he proclaimed, pointing an overly large finger at me. A small crowd had started to gather around me, consisting of Welsh farmers, purple giraffes, several men dressed up in Santa suits and one very confused-looking sperm whale.
They began to chant. Quietly at first, but growing louder by the second. "Bagels!" they said. "You stole the bagels!". I stood, frozen. I, of course, had committed no such crime. The crowd moved closer around me, chanting louder and louder, faster and faster, their numbers growing with each passing second, their pitchforks appearing from nowhere and torches filling the air with a sickly red haze...
It was at this point the sperm whale spurred into action. It (as to this day, I still don't know the gender or sexuality of said sperm whale) leapt through the crowd at an alarming speed, picked me up in its mouth and launched us into the sky.
I watched the scene of chaos below me fade away from the safety of the sperm whale's mouth, high in the sky. It was only then that I thought to ask what had just happened. The whale simply replied "I was hungry" and took me back to his Dutch bungalow by the sea for tea and scones. I returned home that evening, completely bemused by the whole event
It was only then that I realised I had forgotten to buy any bagels.
*True story!
Just A Random Story... • Opuss № I