16 October 2012
I'll always remember the day she nearly died. And I'm always gonna blame myself too. It was at my first proper camp. I was with her and my best mate. We were sharing a tent and at the time I was collecting feathers. The crazy girl I am, I was obsessed with traditional Indians at the time. We'd just eaten and we were chilling in our tent. I heard a sound of choking. I spun my head round, and there she was, struggling to breathe. Then she stopped and smiled at us. Me and my mate were thick with worry. She assured us it was only one time and that she was fine.
But then the night came. Oh my god it was terrible. Tears come to my eyes just thinking about it. I didn't have a peaceful sleep that night. I was full of fear and worry. She was restless. She spat because she couldn't swallow. Then it came, she choked again. Gasping for air. I could see the fear in her eyes. I shouted for help and woke up my friend who ran out to our leader in his boxers. Until she came, I tried to comfort her. Help her sit in a position that will make it easier for her. I didn't let the tears fall, as I needed to be strong for her. She was struggling to breathe, and I know exactly what it's like for the first time, when I had an asthma attack. Except this was no asthma attack. I blinked them away, and plastered on a smile. "I will do this" I thought. When help came I was told to leave her and let our first aider do her job. Me and my best mate sat there watching. Waiting. Hoping...
"Shit. No pulse" I heard someone murmur. I didn't react, hoping I misheard. But then they were doing CPR, roughly pumping her chest. That's when my best mate broke. And he's a guy. This time I stayed strong for him. I hugged him, stroking his hair in comfort. His tears soaking my shoulder. I soothed him, as my own waterfall, came out my eyes. I told him not to worry and that she WILL LIVE. I was assuring myself more than anything. We looked like idiots. The two of us soothing each other, crying on the others shoulder. "Get them away from the scene!" We were ushered away, so we could calm down and wouldn't know what was going on.
She did survive. Just in time when the ambulance arrived. I stood there watching her go. There was no way I was sleeping tonight. My thoughts going wild, wondering why it happened, if she'll be ok. I asked a few leaders, what happened to her. They said something like an allergic reaction that no one knew about, not even the victim.
One of the members said it was my fault. That it was from the feathers I had put outside our tent. He said those things are full of diseases.
Since then I have blamed myself, always have, always will. Me and my stupidity. I'm always the one that that has to be crazy and risk others lives for it. And I hate myself everyday for it.
She never came back to the group. She wasn't allowed. Her mother decided she had had her thrills of life and isn't going to have them again.
Why? Why did this happen? Everything happens for a reason right? Well what's this reason?
Knocking On Death's Door, Only To Be Ignored • Opuss № I